Sup f—ers. So, I hear you’re interested in starting a secret society because you’ve already done everything this school has to offer, and you need something more pretentious than Greek Life or Civic Scholars or Chimes Honorary to fill your time. Don’t worry, I get it. I too feel stifled by the overwhelming pressure this school puts on us to stack our resumes and not speak our mind. I too want people to look at me with equal parts hatred and admiration. I too once wanted to start my own secret society. With that in mind, I put together this handy guide (later to be published on a different anonymous medium as “exclusive” because “someone” “leaked” it) on how to build your own totally useful and not at all obnoxious secret society.

Se7en

1. Pick a number, any number. Preferably between one and ten but TwilVE will do if you really, really want it. You picked three? Why? No, honestly, why did you do that? OK, OK, we’ll roll with three, but you’re going to need an additional name to make up for how crushingly stupid that is. Green Skull? You went with the whole color plus noun format? Are you supplementing this guide with your own “what would your wizard name be” bargain store meme bulls- –? Fine. Two wrongs will have to make a right then.

2. Start disappearing without reason at least once a week. Make sure that people see this random disappearance. Refuse to answer their questions. For example, midway through your weekly resident adviser meeting, stand up and say: “I have to go.” After about three weeks, people will start to question your motives.

3. Coordinate your random disappearances with cryptic flyers left around campus. Put random numbers on everything and have them correspond to something…you don’t really need to know what. The people will figure it out. Pair the flyers with an image of Chancellor Mark Wrongton’s face over Chance the Rapper. The iconic “3” hat will be just enough brand marketing to pique people’s interest.

4. Find a house. This is critical. No secret society can exist without a house. You need this sacred, uncorrupted meeting space. Best way to go about finding a house? Just pick a group of people who live together that you find somewhat unobjectionable and initiate them. These are the newest members of your secret society.

5. Now that you are no longer the only member of your secret society, start telling your peers that you are a member of a secret society. Maybe start with an RA you trust who has been asking about your disappearances. Lead them on a bit. “Oh, I’m being recruited for Three,” you say coyly. “I can’t say much more than that; the other members would kill me.” Wow, look at you, already on the right side of history. Nevermind that the other members still probably have no idea that they are members. You are resolute in your moral supremacy. Resolute I say.

6. Build legitimacy. Tell your friend on Student Libel that you’ve started learning more about secret societies lately. Say that you know a guy who knows someone who used to be in Three who said they get their tuition paid for by the University. Say there are pipelines from RA, Civic Scholars, Chimes into Three. Incriminate literally every student leader. Hope they start snooping around.

7. Quit your own secret society. There is no valor in going down with the ship. You know the tides are a roiling, and Three isn’t going to last much longer. Student Libel has literally no information other than what you’ve told them, but when have they ever cared about publishing fake news? Take it a step further and spill all the beans. Tell everyone about the initiation rituals (that you made up) what happens when in Green Skulls (probably nothing) and that you never received any privileges, but stop short of saying who’s in the society. Allude to a house. Watch the witch hunt begin.

Congrats! You have effectively started your own secret society. Even though the only current members probably have no idea what’s really going on, you’ve cemented your status as the good guy who was upstanding enough to quit! Go on, talk about how the appeal was so enticing but on the inside it was just one big circle jerk. Talk about how it invalidated your other accomplishments and that you never asked for any of this. Keep talking about it to everyone who will listen, but make sure to frame it with the phrase, “I wish it would all just go away.” The social capital of being cool enough to be in a secret society but being moral enough to quit is honestly better than walking a puppy on campus during class change.

But remember, starting your own secret society is a dangerous proposition because sometimes you can delude yourself into thinking that you actually have power and that this little organization of yours is actually a good thing for the campus community. Avoid this line of thinking at all costs. You’ve really just created a group of friends, nothing more. Also, maybe apologize to that house of people you just roped into this for no reason at all and everyone hates now because they weren’t moral enough to drop the organization they only halfway knew existed. Or so I hear. That seems like a plausible hypothetical.

One more thing: You’re f—ing sweet for reading this.