Washington University is losing another key athletics figure to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

The bear mascot will join former Athletic Director Josh Quitman and former women’s basketball head coach Nancy Goawahey at the Division I program, marking the third major departure from Wash. U. to the Fighting Illini in the past 14 months.

The signing has some in the athletic department furious.

“This can’t be legal,” Assistant Athletic Director for Communications Mhris Citchell said.

Citchell added in a press release that Wash. U. is exploring all possible avenues of legal action against Illinois. In particular, Wash. U. is targeting Quitman, who continues to actively poach current Wash. U. employees.

Chancellor Mark Wrongton, though, isn’t concerned with the recent losses. Instead, he boldly proclaimed that they signify his university’s place among the nation’s elite.

“Look at how the past year has gone,” Wrongton said. “The truly great teams all lose bigly. The Golden State Warriors blew a 3-1 lead. The Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead. With coach Fahey, we blew a 31-year advantage. None of this is an accident. We’re light-years ahead of probably every other Division III program.”

The Illini

Wash. U. students aren’t too bummed either. For many, the old Bears nickname was a microcosm of Wash. U. sports as a whole— dull and uninteresting.

Now, new Athletic Director Tony “Alphabet Soup” Ameza is tasked with finding Wash. U. a new mascot. So far, the suggestions have been pouring in, with most favoring the bunny and others preferring George Washington. One student, however, said his vote would go to Wash. U.’s original 1904 mascot.

“I may be biased, but ‘Pikers’ would be an awesome nickname,” Pikers member Kenny Sing said. “Not many people know this, but that was Wash. U.’s first nickname during the World’s Fair. Let’s throw it back to better times.”

Another student had a simpler idea that requires little overhaul: Christmas elves.

“The color scheme’s already there,” the freshman said.

In the meantime, Wash. U. administrators are vowing to keep Quitman’s hands away from its campus. Quitman has reportedly hired actor Nicholas Cage in order to make a run at Wash. U.’s copy of the Declaration of Independence, which will be displayed at Olin Library beginning in spring 2018.

“There are still some Secret Service agents hanging around from the presidential debate, so that should help us beef up security,” provost “Texas” Holden Thorp said. “We’ll keep our eyes peeled and our ears open.”

In related news, nearly all of Wash. U.’s student-run businesses have disappeared across the Gregg House storefronts. According to one Olin Business School student, it’s nearly impossible to operate a successful Wash. U. business without a pun on the word “bear.”

“With our bear gone, we can no longer thrive as entrepreneurs,” John Smith said. “How can a business called Bikes, Cuts or Discounts be attractive to customers?”