Anna Dorsey | Staff Illustrator

“My whole friend group thinks me and my best friend are in love. I may have feelings for him, but I am worried it could ruin the friendship and the group dynamic. Should I make a move? Stay in the friend zone? What if he doesn’t like me back? How do I handle this?”

— Frantic Friend Zone

Dear Frantic Friend Zone,

“You realize, of course, that we could never be friends,” Harry Burns explains to Sally Albright in Rob Reiner’s famous film, “When Harry Met Sally.” The movie explores the question of whether or not men and women can really be friends, or if the “sex part” always gets in the way. Though an incredibly heteronormative framework, the question manages to stay relevant today through conversations about the “friend zone” and what it means to escape it. 

You, Frantic, are caught in the “When Harry Met Sally” dilemma. It sounds like the outside pressure of people assuming that you and your friend must have feelings for each other is complicating your ability to determine how you really feel. Still, it seems as though you are starting to reckon with the implications of not being “just friends.” It’s completely fair to be stressed about how this will affect the different facets of your social life. But before you think about how it will affect all the people around you, try and gauge what your real feelings are.

It sounds like — whether you want to admit it or not — you are already thinking about this person as more than a friend. It is worth reflecting at this point to figure out how you are viewing the relationship and what you value most about it.

Are you starting to hold your friend to the standard you would hold a romantic partner? Are you hurt when they don’t act in the way you would want them to act if you were dating? What would change if you were to date? And, would you have to shift your actions and dynamics if you decide to remain just friends?

It’s hard to determine if your closeness comes from a platonic or romantic place, and unfortunately there is only so much you can evaluate independently before bringing it up with the person you’re crushing on. Maybe you’ve reflected and decided that you are better off as friends, but maybe you came to a different conclusion. If that’s the case, you will likely have to take a leap of faith.

This is obviously easier said than done. You likely feel as though you need to be COMPLETELY sure about your feelings before you raise the topic with this person. Unfortunately, that’s not how feelings work. Still, remember that this is someone you are already incredibly close with. As scary as it seems to ask the big question, you have a solid friendship to back you up, and this conversation won’t change that history — regardless of the outcome. 

Now, Frantic, assuming you’ve decided to make a move (since you’ve continued reading past the reflection questions), you have to figure out how to initiate this conversation.

It’s not worth losing sleep trying to figure out what the perfect moment will be. It’s going to be nerve-racking regardless. What matters more is figuring out what you want to say.

You could go the route of trying to bring your feelings up by starting a more general conversation about dating or relationships first, but I would recommend a slightly more blunt approach. Perhaps open with a statement about yourself like, “I think I have feelings for you in a ‘more than friends’ way,” or go a more casual direction and ask them, “Have you ever thought about our relationship in a ‘more than friends’ kind of way?”

Then, brace yourself for any response. You might not get a concrete answer in the moment, but hopefully you will feel some instant relief from getting it off your chest.

Don’t worry about friend group dynamics or how other people will respond until there is something for them to respond to. Besides, Frantic, it sounds like your friends are already thinking about your situation and pushing you to take action…

Ultimately, “When Harry Met Sally” is not about the way a relationship will change a friendship, but that friendship forms the strongest foundation for a relationship. Do with that what you will, but if you know you have feelings, the dynamic has already shifted. Maybe that’s something worth pursuing.

To end on a note of redemption for Harry Burns: “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

I say take the leap.

With love,

Scene