I just graduated high school, and even though I’m so glad to be done, it kind of hit me during my graduation ceremony that this was the last time I was going to be surrounded by these people I grew up with. Next fall, I’ll be heading to WashU completely alone — and I’m terrified. I love my friends back home, and I don’t know how I’ll start from scratch in college. It seems kind of basic, but how do I make friends??

— Friendless Freshman

Dear Friendless:

If you’re looking for company, you’ve come to the right place. Just a few years ago, I was also a totally panicked soon-to-be first-year, about to be tossed into the foreboding world of higher education. On top of being surrounded by complete strangers, how would I manage to keep myself fed, watered, and productive enough to crank out 12-page APA papers? If you think about it too hard, the whole concept of college starts to seem a little crazy.

That summer, I read Starting Line from cover to cover (just like you’re hopefully doing now!) in hopes I could scrounge up any tidbit of information that would guarantee my college success. I spent hours binging move-in vlogs and took the five-hour drive to campus to sift through the recesses of my brain to find any semi-interesting fun fact I could wield as my shield against icebreakers. If high school had prepared me for anything, it was that through last-minute cramming, all things were possible. 

On the first day of move-in, I actually physically did that thing where I walked down the hall and stuck my head into people’s propped-open rooms to introduce myself. In line to pick up our IDs, I struck up a bewildering conversation with the girls next to me about just how short everyone was. And throughout the course of the first week, I found myself the proprietor of a 30-person group chat of basically every single person fortunate enough to make eye contact with me. Yeah, I don’t know what that was about either. 

My point is, I’ve put in the work to find friends. And through my rigorous, peer-reviewed scientific testing during the past year, I’m happy to report that the best technique you can put to use is…none of them. Just chill out.

Now I know that “relax bro” probably isn’t really what you want to hear. Like, ever. But as hard as first-year me tried, there’s just no secret trick to making friends. Really, this is your time to just hang out. I didn’t say it earlier, but congratulations! You’ve already put in all the hard work of getting here, alongside the rest of Class of ‘28, which is made up of interesting, ambitious, and friendly people. And guess what? They’re all technically also “friendless freshmen” — because they haven’t gotten the chance to meet you yet! 

Of course, I’m not explicitly advocating for you to sink into your Tempur-Pedic mattress cocoon and wait for friends to just magically manifest in your room (that would be a pretty creepy start to your relationship, anyway). But you are going to find friends everywhere, because everyone else is in the exact same situation as you. Believe me, WashU is well aware of that fact: Bear Beginnings is literally professionally designed to be a big ole’ Festival of Friendship where you get mushed together with the rest of your class in as many combinations and situations as possible. Take advantage of it!

Throughout your first week, you’ll have so many structured opportunities to meet people in all sorts of settings. For the athletically-inclined, check out morning runs through Forest Park. Or maybe you’ll be too tapped out from leaving it all on the Silent Disco floor the night before. Some of my best friends turned out to be the turn-and-talk partners from WUSA small groups, pointed-glance compatriots in academic integrity lectures, or even just random people who crashed a game of late-night common room Uno. I even knew a happy couple who met at an academic advising session (talk about a first date!). There are just so many places to find friends, no matter where you go or what you do.

So relax. You’ll have more than enough opportunities to get to know everyone. The heavy lifting of finding a bunch of people to mingle with and places to meet them has been done for you.

Now it’s your turn to take advantage of this time. Make it known that you’re on the market for friends! Woah. Stay calm. Sure, it’s a little daunting (what does “putting yourself out there” even mean?), but luckily, we’ve got some tips to break it down.

Firstly, unless you want to take the bold move of wearing a bedazzled cape that says BEFRIEND ME PLZZ everywhere, you’ll need to express your friend-seeking status in other ways: body language, being receptive to the conversation, and just emitting good vibes. That looks different for everyone, but in general, that means staying in the moment and making a good effort to participate — whether it’s divulging that slightly embarrassing fun fact about your favorite so-bad-it’s-good vampire movie or setting up camp at bingo night. This is not the time to be too cool for school, especially when you picked said school yourself! 

In particular, resist the urge to report every new dining hall foray or a capella riff-off to your hometown group chat in real time. The best way to scope out potential friend signals is to stay in the moment and focus on connecting with the people sharing the experience with you, right where you are. While maintaining those old, trustworthy friendships is important, how will you have crazy stories for winter break reunions if you don’t live them first? 

Second: Don’t be afraid to make the first move. If your potential pal doesn’t reciprocate, it’s their loss! And don’t worry, you don’t have to just sit down across from a stranger and ask point-blank if they’d like to be friends. 

There is no better conversation starter than a genuine compliment. People love to talk about the vintage cowboy boots they thrifted, at which point you can share the story about the time you went to the Goodwill bins and touched something suspiciously wet. Of course, keep it real and sincere. But that isn’t hard, since people here are always doing something cool.

Third, say yes to any and every invite, even if you have no idea what’s going on or anyone there. College is the time to push your boundaries and experiment (while staying safe!), and you never know: that trip down to the Arch could turn into the most memorable IHOP midnight snack pitstop. Or maybe making an appearance at a WashU Racing club meeting will unlock a need for speed and devolve into a conversation that lasts for hours.

While Bear Beginnings can be a fantastic way to meet people, it is also a pretty exhausting, feverish week designed to keep you occupied every waking moment. When you finally pack up the never-ending summer camp, you might still find yourself a little off-balance and disoriented, and that’s normal. It’s called dehydration. 

Fortunately, you’ll soon collect a whole hoard of free water bottles, courtesy of basically every single organization on campus. But even drowning your sorrows in H2O might not fix that topsy-turvy feeling that you haven’t quite found your footing yet.

But keep in mind: the opportunities to meet new people don’t just end after the first week, or ever, really. With everyone on campus all the time, there’s no such thing as just a “school friend.” An invitation to lunch or plans to go explore the St. Louis Art Museum can quickly transform someone you know only through that 9 a.m. Gen Chem lecture into your late-night confessional companion, brunch buddy, study partner, and gym bro. Like the center of any good flash mob, keep these moves fresh in your pocket and always be ready to bust one out.

And while there’s no one perfect path to make friends, joining clubs and activities comes pretty close. I mean, it’s literally a gathering of people that already have the same interests as you. Bam, connection! We’ve name-dropped a few already in this article, but go see for yourself at the activity fair! Collect flyers and freebies from every booth you even have the slightest interest in, then show up to meetings consistently, even if it’s in the middle of the semester or later on in your college career! Plus, it’s a great way to get out of your first-year bubble and meet wise upperclassmen who have faced down with this whole rodeo before.

Sure, it might be challenging to enter an unfamiliar space as a complete newcomer, but think sunk cost fallacy, folks! The time and tuition will be spent anyways, why not put it toward getting to do what you actually want? 

It’s okay if you don’t know anyone yet — they also don’t know you and are eagerly anticipating the incoming class. Any people worth your while are always going to be welcoming, because they already recognize the value you bring. The important thing is that you stay receptive and open, and keep trying. 

You may have met your childhood bestie and decided you were playground soulmates in one day, but what really gave meaning to your BFFs 4 Lyfe friendship bracelets from Claire’s was the fact that you kept hanging out together, day after day. Consistency will be the foundation of your college friendships.

One last thing. Throughout the first few weeks of school, you’ll likely feel some sort of friend-related anxiety. Maybe it’s triggered by the inevitable flood of group photos featuring somehow already-established friend groups or realizing your Sam Fox friends won’t be joining you in MGT 100. No matter what, settling in to college is challenging, and you may feel like everyone else is thriving while leaving you behind.

But think about it; it’s not like anybody else knows each other better than you do. You’ve all had the same amount of time here, and early on are mostly limited to interacting with people you were randomly assigned proximity to. Speaking as a survivor of one, those massive early friend groups are sometimes just a bunch of people who may very well be united just because of a sheer need to have companionship. 

Of course, there are genuine connections to be found early on. I count some people I met during the first week among my closest friends, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have met such a wide variety of people I can still wave to, even if our inseparability turned out to just be temporary. But it’s absolutely normal to realize you just might not be perfectly aligned with the very first people you met in college, and it’s really no big deal.

Once the semester begins in earnest, joining clubs, meeting classmates, and generally branching out a little more will give everyone the opportunity to find their crowd. We might have just used the word “friend” 29 times throughout this column, but that doesn’t mean we can define it. Ultimately, being friends with someone is a relationship you get to define for yourself, and what that means for you will change from person to person throughout time and space. 

With all this talk about making friends, it’s also important to remember to nurture the most important relationship you have as well: the one with yourself. That means giving yourself grace in the first few weeks/months/semesters/forever to figure out what you’re doing. At the end of the day, there’s no set formula for finding friends. It’s an imprecise art, but that’s what makes it so fun!

Class of ‘28, you’ve already proven yourselves to be unique, fascinating individuals with exceptional zeal and so many important things to share with this school, starting with your shining personality. We can’t wait to meet you.

Your friends,

Scene