With April’s warmth finally upon us, it’s time to officially pack away your winter clothing. That being said, there’s one staple that is too important to abandon: turtlenecks. As Chancellor Wrighton probably once said, “Seasonal fashions come and go, but turtlenecks are forever.” Even if he didn’t say that, he probably meant to at some point.

Turtlenecks can always be incorporated into your wardrobe in some capacity. They can work on everyone, from French models to my weird boss at the tool company I was once desperate enough to work at. With so many options, though, it is often difficult to choose the right turtleneck.

After hours of Googling “turtleneck long short which ones not scratchy???” I’m proud to produce the hard-hitting journalism that every StudLife reader picks up each issue for: a guide to the perfect turtleneck.

The Classic:

This is the typical, full-length turtleneck. It gives off the message, “I am chic but I am also secretly trying to protect one of my most vulnerable body parts from the forces (including but not limited to: weather, supernatural, other humans, etc.), or even just a singular force, if that’s at all possible. My neck is safe and hidden from darkness. I am ready to complete my daily activities.”

Long-sleeved classics made of a blend of rayon and cotton are thin enough to wear during the summer and are also comfortably stretchy. Turtlenecks made completely of cotton are thicker, worn primarily by professors and important people. Steve Jobs would wear these exclusively. If you’re feeling like being authoritative, put one of these on, and people will immediately take you seriously!

Short-sleeved classics are perfect if you are a) still are wary of the forces (or just one force), but b) you live wildly enough to let your arms hang freely without an extra layer of cloth.

The best of the turtlenecks are holiday-themed. These prints can be found anywhere from department stores to Goodwill. Technically, it makes sense to wear them during their respective seasons…but who cares if it’s not Halloween? Wear the jack-o-lantern cotton turtleneck anyway! The best part of these is that you can share them with anyone over the age of 60, since they definitely have a lot of these (and are hopefully willing to share). So if you live in Florida, holiday turtlenecks are a must.

The classic turtleneck dress is also an option, but depending on the material, it can be either a hit or a miss. Currently, the only person I know that routinely wears turtleneck dresses is my cousin who’s a psychiatrist. So, if you’re ever trying to emulate “I am a psychiatrist” but you’re not sure how, I would start with a turtleneck dress.

Closely aligned with the classic turtleneck is the mock turtleneck. It’s about half as tall as a classic turtleneck, giving your neck room to breathe. It says, “I do not want to commit to full neck coverage at this time,” or “This was supposed to be a classic turtleneck but I simply have too much neck.” These are more versatile than classic turtlenecks during the summertime, since they can be worn with comfort even when it’s hot outside.

The Cowl Neck:

This is the loosest, most relaxed member of the turtleneck community. It says, “My neck doesn’t like to be restrained. My neck is like a wild horse running through the horse meadows, except that it still stays connected to my body and is not really a horse.”

Cowl necks accommodate a broader spectrum of body types. They have a more relaxed fit, so they’re the least intimidating to pull off, even if you’re not usually into turtlenecks.

Whether long-sleeved or short-sleeved, they can be worn as part of dressier outfits. In addition to shirts, these often come in sweater or dress form. The cowl neck dress and/or sweater and/or sweater dress can be either look really frumpy or ridiculously hip. I know a girl that wore something that looked like a cowl neck Snuggie dress and made it work. I believe in you.

The Crop:

There is no historical event that is more important than the creation of the crop turtleneck. Even when paired with a high-waisted skirt or pants, it takes confidence to rock any sort of crop top. Choosing the right crop turtleneck is more about finding one that has a personality that you vibe with:

• Long-sleeved: This is a good way of showing the world, “Hey! My arms get cold sometimes but I don’t feel the same way about my midriff. Technically, my midriff might also get cold but I care less about its needs than my arms!”
• Short-sleeved: “I am either very hip or very tall, but you’ll never know which one!”—3/4-sleeved: “I’m an early 2000s pop star. Britney Spears has a similar ensemble in her wardrobe.”
• Sleeveless: “This is the minimum amount of torso coverage I need in public to not get arrested!”
• Halter crop: “I have shoulders and I’m not afraid to prove it.”

Well, there you have it. Whether it’s a mock crop top, a solid-colored classic or a cowl neck dress, you’re ready to find the right turtleneck for you.