The opening of the Academy Awards was decently charming but also set the stage for the uninspiring performance that was to come. James Franco adorably stepped off the “Inception”-themed elevator in a white leotard while Anne Hathaway annoyingly tripped over her feet in a duck costume while trying to parody “Black Swan.” Franco rode horseback while wearing a hilariously large bear pelt, and Hathaway wore two eye patches that obviously serve as ocular obstacles in a lame attempt to create humor in “True Grit.” Thankfully, just as I was near death, the DeLorean from “Back to the Future” made an appearance and ended the painful skit.

The theme of the night immediately became “James Franco is adorable, and Anne Hathaway is uptight and annoying.” Millions of women nationwide were completely jealous of Hathaway as they ogled Franco and envisioned themselves being lucky enough to be in the same room as his small, yet still toned from his moving role in “127 Hours,” body. Hathaway and Franco unfortunately skipped the part where they were supposed to exude some basic form of chemistry and therefore created a boring show full of heartbreaking jokes.

I was praying to Oscar the entire show that the other presenters would save the show with witty remarks and probing celebrity gossip; instead, I got lame salad and corny humor. The pair with the most romantic chemistry of the evening was Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law; these two bums made a few bro jokes that got me laughing. But overall, the performances— including the singing—were nothing more than awful, save the orchestra that beautifully performed the Best Original Scores.

Thankfully, Oscar finally answered my prayers, and midway through the show a comic miracle occurred: The Oscar presenters suddenly became incredibly still, almost fighting to maintain composure. While at first I thought they were being silly, I soon realized that some of the presenters were most definitely drunk or high, and since there is almost nothing I love more than celebs gone wild, I began laughing after every young person hit the stage.

A hot, blonde pair of presenters could barely deliver their lines. After one of them struggled to open the envelope, the pair began to chime different interpretations of the result. Later, a few of the younger presenters continued to emerge with more than glossy eyes and an unusual dedication to remaining still.

The best of it all was that Anne Hathaway seemed to emcee the entire end of the show, and every time, I was left thinking, “Where is my boyfriend (debatable) JFranc?” When I finally saw him in the end with his face depicted side-by-side with the other Best Actor nominees, he was sitting backstage alone, droopy-eyed and giggling. When he lost the category, he still sat there with a goofy grin on his face while Anne Hathaway was left alone on the stage, seeming to scream at us with her body language, “I AM NOT FUN, I AM UPTIGHT AND LAME!”

These two smagin’ hawties were hired to appeal to a younger demographic of viewers, and when asked today if they did a good job uniting my generation, I had to say, “Heck no.” The opening parody, which was supposed to be fawesome, completely flopped. James Franco’s drag outfit was an offensive effort, especially since we all know he can do better after his covershoot for Candy Magazine.

In sum I hope that in the future, Oscar picks a more dynamic host, such as Billy Crystal, Jon Stewart, the Baldwin-Martin duo or even aspiring stand-up comic Laur McG to do a better job than what I saw Monday night.