As midterms finish and the cold winter months begin to set in, I find that my usual haunt, the Fun Room, is being regularly invaded by strangers. In order to remedy this state of affairs, I’ve decided to give you a couple of hints as to what you can do in your free time.

Study for Finals

Sure, midterms are over and you deserve a break. However, do you really think you can waste your time playing video games? That GPA ain’t gonna raise itself. Finals are only a month away…It’s time to open that biology book and start reviewing.

Go downtown and visit St. Louis

Incoming freshmen, are you sure that you have seen all that St. Louis has to offer? Are you sure that you don’t want to go see the Arch again? Or the City Museum? How about going downtown, and visiting, uhm, Citygarden? No? Going shopp…Ok, fine, never mind.

Go to Forest Park

There’s a zoo, and grass and oh-so-beautiful butterflies. Also a museum. Yes, it’s being renovated, but it has a Rembrandt. IT HAS A F***ING REMBRANDT (this sentence was spoken by Samuel L. Jackson).

Get a job

With the Republicans in power, employment will start to pick up again (or that’s the theory, anyway). As unemployment falls, there’s less competition, and wages rise. There’s never been a better time to start putting that useless free time you have to good use. See, I just tripled your opportunity cost.

Socialize

Let’s face it: Staying in the Fun Room playing computer games marks you down as a social outcast. You will attain a social status akin to that of George Lucas, a widely derided object of scorn. People will call you “Geek Supremo” as you walk past. To avoid ruining the next few years of your life, I suggest you spend more time “socializing,” i.e. getting allies on the vast battlefield that is college gossip.

Get a boy/girlfriend

There is something that can fill the vast emptiness in your life, that inner vacuum that you’ve been desperately trying to plug. It’s unfortunately not Häagen-Dazs ice cream and certainly not video games. Get out there and find true love.

Write a book

This is your chance to go down in history. Now that you have some free time, spend it wisely and finally go through with that brilliant plot idea you had three years ago. You may even get your name in StudLife: “Wash. U. alum’s brilliant first book tops NYT’s best-seller list!” Better this than: “FUN ROOM GEEK BREAKS RECORD. 86TH HOUR OF STRAIGHT GAMING. ASHAMED PARENTS MAY DISOWN HIM.”

Go see movies

You know what impresses people? When you’re able to speak for three continuous hours about the lighting effects in Kurosawa movies or when you can quote every line from Schindler’s List. Better brush up on your Bergman…or watch The Expendables again.

Cure Cancer

Hey, pre-meds: This is a worthwhile use of your time. Insulting the guy who sniped you on Halo is not.
Save North Korea
Time to put those fighting skills to good use, soldier. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to lead a one-man fighting team against Kim Jong Il’s evil Communist regime. This article will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

Rescue the pandas

And the whales. And the violet, one-legged hopping chaffinch.
Become President
The road to victory starts here.

You see, the possibilities are endless. In fact, what are you doing still reading this article? Go out there and do something with your life, and let me play FIFA in peace.