I was 16 and one year into a relationship when I realized that I was asexual.

I had never been interested in sex, but I figured that was normal. Growing up in a religious and conservative household, I had only heard of sex as a way to procreate. When I eventually learned that sex was supposed to be “fun,” I realized that it was something that boys might want from me, but not something I wanted from them. So, I figured that sexual attraction was something that only men experienced.

Then I got into a relationship with a woman, and she wanted to have sex. I did not. What was I supposed to do with that? My whole life, I thought that sex was something women endured for their husbands’ pleasure or because they wanted children. Now, it was something that, apparently, everyone enjoyed but me. I felt isolated and scared. Was I broken?

My then-girlfriend and I dated for three years. The whole time, I had intense feelings of shame and guilt that I wasn’t enough for her, that I was depriving her of something I owed her, that she would leave me because I didn’t want to have sex with her.

Truthfully, that relationship ended partly because of my asexuality. She felt insecure that I did not find her attractive, and I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t. I don’t really find anyone attractive. Sex is a huge part of most relationships, and I couldn’t give it to her. I do not blame her at all for being upset.

It is a difficult balance to strike; accepting your asexuality while accepting that not everyone can be in a relationship with an asexual person. Feeling like you are enough in a relationship is extremely difficult, especially when you cannot participate in an integral part of a typical relationship.

(An obligatory note here: some asexual people do have sex. Some people fluctuate in their asexuality. Some people are completely disgusted by even mentions of sex, and others only experience sexual attraction to people they have a close emotional bond with. Some asexual people watch porn and ⁄ or masturbate. Asexuality, like most sexualities, lies on a spectrum. I am speaking about my personal experience with asexuality, and I do not experience sexual attraction of any kind at all.)

Asexuality is an identity that gets little media or cultural attention, so a lot of people do not know about it. This means that many asexual people simply feel like they are abnormal in some way. In high school, I thought I had a disorder that caused me to lack the hormones that caused sexual attraction. My “research” on this theory led me to learn about asexuality.

There is also a social stigma against asexuality. People have told me that I “just haven’t found the right person yet,” or that I simply “have a low libido.” It is frustrating, to say the least, to have people deny a part of your identity that you struggled to discover and accept.

Asexuality is something that we should learn more about and accept, be it through exposure in the media or education in sex-ed classes. Had I known more about asexuality, I would not have felt so much guilt. I would have had the words and resources to better communicate my feelings in a relationship.

The lack of education on asexuality and other queer identities can lead to problems for both people with those labels and those around them. I would like to challenge those reading this to go out into the world with a new perspective on asexuality, armed with both the knowledge and willingness to support the education about and acceptance of other identities.