Editor’s note: This article contains discussion of sexual violence. Resources and helplines can be found at the bottom of the piece. Additionally, as outlined in our publication policy, anonymity of an opinion writer is strictly reserved for limited circumstances. 

The author of this article has been granted anonymity to protect their safety in discussing their experience as a sexual violence survivor. 

It was during WILD that a guy I was talking to on Hinge asked to meet. I was a bit skeptical but he convinced me it would be fine. 

To his credit, once we were at WILD, he said it might not be the best idea to meet because he was drunk. I said I was too, so it would be fine. I suggested that we meet at the back of the rec center, near the bleachers. He is three years older than me, so honestly, I was not expecting much. I did not go to meet him with the expectation that we would hook up, especially because we both acknowledged we were drunk. In hindsight, this was naive of me, but I thought we would just meet, setting up a date for later.

As soon as we met, he started rambling about how cute I was. He asked how far I wanted to go; I was confused. We were both drunk. I didn’t expect sexual contact that day. He asked what “base” I wanted to go to, and I was caught off guard, so, without much thought at all, I said second base. We never clarified what “second base” meant. If all we went to was second base, I would not be happy with the decisions I made while drunk, but I would not have called this sexual violence. I told him explicitly I did not want to have sex. 

He began kissing me quite aggressively. He put his hand in my shirt and kept telling me I was cute. He moved his hand down to my thigh, and eventually, in my shorts. So past second base. 

One of the adults working WILD came up to us and asked if we were doing OK. He said “we are great,” and said that everything was consensual. She offered us water, and he said we had some already. Before I could even speak, she left. What is the point of such bystander intervention? The fact that he was answering everything, not letting me speak, should have been concerning and led the person to attempt to defuse the situation; but instead, she walked away. It’s shocking that the WashU Relationship & Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) Center runs bystander training for student groups, but the adults working at WILD could not do it effectively. Effective bystander intervention would understand the position of the more vulnerable person and defuse the situation.  

She left and he kept touching and kissing me. He then began asking if I wanted to “get out of here” and go back to his apartment, off campus. I stalled, saying maybe in a bit, and he persisted. He put my hand on his crotch. He said he was having an erection and wanted to go back to his place. He pulled me in closer to him, as if he would physically bring me with him. Eventually, his behavior was enough to bother me even in my semi-drunken state, and I got up and walked away, leaving him behind as he called for me. I don’t know what would have happened if I had not made that split-second decision to leave. 

I’m still disappointed in myself for suggesting we continue to meet even though we were drunk. For a long time, I thought it was my own fault because I suggested that. I washed my hands obsessively and used mouthwash every day for weeks because I felt disgusted. 

A few months later, I started to recover from this. I don’t know if it was a recovery or a denial, to be honest. Then, it happened again. 

There was a guy I was friendly with on campus. But it was just that. Nothing more. We knew each other, sometimes waved, sometimes talked. But soon it became more than that. He knew the dorm I lived in. He knew some of the classes I was taking. He knew the clubs I was in. And I started seeing him everywhere. Right outside the building of my class. At an event for a club. In the lobby of a dorm room. Near the table I always sat at in BD. I started getting uncomfortable so I’d quickly walk past him, not making eye contact or waving. I removed him from my followers on Instagram, but he kept looking at my Instagram stories anyway. I made my account private and blocked him, and then I saw his roommate looking at my stories. He was stalking me. And I had no idea why. 

When I went to the Title IX Office, they said there was little they could do to prevent him from seeing me in public places, like at club events or dining halls. The no-contact order they could give me would not really do a lot. I don’t know what the limitations of a no-contact order are, but I remember clearly that when they told me the limitations, the person working at the office said that she recommends “I learn to look away and stop caring.” 

I’m inclined to believe that the Title IX office could have attempted to craft a no-contact order or other protective measures that would do more — like those I know students at other universities have received where stalkers must stay a certain distance away from the person, even in public spaces. However, the Title IX Office demonstrated no interest in understanding why the option they gave me was ineffective and what could be improved. At the very least, they could acknowledge the distress the stalking caused me, but instead, they told me I should get over it. 

WashU let me down. Programs like bystander intervention and the Title IX office are supposed to protect survivors, but they did little for me. Sexual violence is talked about like it’s uncontroversial. As if WashU obviously thinks it is bad and will do whatever they can to stop it. But they are not. And I am writing here as proof of that. 

The Sexual Assault and Rape Anonymous Helpline (SARAH) provides confidential and anonymous support and can be reached at 314-935-8080 24 /7 during the fall and spring academic semesters.

There are counselors at the Relationship and Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) Center, located in Seigle Hall, Suite 435, available confidentially to any University student. The office can be reached at 314-935-3445 or by email at [email protected].

The National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at 1-800-656-4673 or via online chat at https://hotline.rainn.org/online 24/7.