Illustration by Elma Ademovic

To please or not to please? 

Is it actually a choice, or are we really just conditioned to be people-pleasers by those who want to reap the rewards? 

It seems like these days, every other person you talk to considers themselves a “people-pleaser,” or thought they were one in the past. What is making all of us take on these personas that encourage ignoring our own needs for the benefit of others?

Nothing is more annoying than when you have a group of indecisive people-pleasers who won’t pick a movie or play some music. However, for people-pleasers, this is more than just indecision. It is such an intense need to satisfy — or please — that their own desires are irrelevant. In these situations, the people-pleasers never win. If they choose the movie, they may spend the entirety of it worrying about whether the other person is happy. If they don’t, they may end up spending two hours watching something they couldn’t care less about. 

It begs the question: If people-pleasers never seem to benefit from acting this way, why are so many of us adopting this personality? 

As a chronic people-pleaser, I stand by the belief that it is not our fault or our intention to act in this way, but that it is the fault of our environment and the society around us. We were taught to please, whether it was for survival or success.

Some people-please others in order to succeed in a world that encourages and rewards those who conform to the norms. College, specifically, is a breeding ground for people-pleasers. This is a point in all of our lives where we come to a new environment, looking for friends and a feeling of belonging. In trying to find this, many have unintentionally morphed themselves into whoever they needed to be in order to be liked by certain people. Maybe this looks like going out when you feel like staying in, wearing clothes that you don’t like but that are deemed more fashionable, or sacrificing your taste in music to accommodate others. 

And for others, they people-please not for success, but for survival. The ugly side of people-pleasing is that, while the personality type can be innocent, it can also stem from childhood trauma, creating a dire need to please others in order to live. Growing up in environments where one is harmed when the needs of parents or siblings are not met can create individuals who have a deep-rooted fear of not meeting other people’s needs. This is different from just not fitting into a friend group. Instead, it is a fear of being punished, whether physically or emotionally, if one is not successfully hyper-aware of others’ emotions and needs. This kind of people-pleasing is also highly linked to those who grew up around individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or other mental illnesses.

Although there are clearly different severities of people-pleasing, both situations lead to more people losing themselves for the selfish benefit of others. We are building a generation of people who can’t make decisions, are unable to set boundaries, and go about their lives without caring for their own needs. For many, it’s been years and years of internalizing these actions. We’ve confused perceived comfort for happiness and sacrificed our own needs for others in the process. We are sabotaging ourselves by acting this way, and yet many of us cannot control or stop it from happening. 

If you identify as a people-pleaser, instead of just accepting this as fact, start to question this identity. Who has made you feel like you are a people-pleaser? Who is acting in a way that makes you feel like you need to change your actions and beliefs to accommodate theirs? These people are feeding off your insecurities. And they are benefiting from them. Although it is not a quick and easy fix, thinking about who is causing this, and then distancing yourself from these people, is a step towards finally prioritizing yourself and your own needs.