Editor’s note: This article contains discussion of physical and emotional abuse. Resources and helplines can be found at the bottom of the piece.

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If you’re reading this — there’s probably a reason, and speaking from experience, it’s best to come to terms with a toxic relationship before it drains more years of your life. Being in an unhealthy relationship strips you of your confidence and self-worth and leaves you with attachment and jealousy issues. In the words of Olivia Rodrigo in her song “The Grudge,” “Hurt people hurt people,” and you need to heal after being manipulated and abused, or you’ll displace your feelings onto another person. So, it’s best to end the cycle of arguing and forgiving. At the end of the day, while it’s incredibly difficult, relationships are two-way streets, and you have the power to end a toxic relationship. While this article is written about a toxic boyfriend, these signs can apply to all genders and relationships.

He Only Has Time For You at Night

Falling victim to the 1 a.m. “are you up?” text is a common mistake. If he can go all day without texting you back, then you are not a priority. I promise, even if he had a busy day, he still checked his phone and either forgot about you or decided you’d be there to answer his text later. Don’t prove him right by staying up waiting for a text back and allowing him to put you off. The world does not spin around his schedule, so know your worth and do not ruin your skincare routine to do makeup for a man with one outfit. It’s late and you’re both alone, but that does not make you lonely! It’s bedtime, so get your rest and put your phone down! 

He Watches Andrew Tate Religiously

If your boyfriend is a Tate fan, you need to leave immediately. Anyone familiar with the misogynist knows all he does is try to convince insecure little boys that in order to be an “alpha male,” they must have full control over their girlfriend and exercise their “right” to explore other options (aka cheating). If you often catch your boyfriend streaming Tate videos on YouTube or TikTok, it’s likely because he believes what’s coming out of Tate’s mouth — you know how the “for you” page works, right? This goes for any other misogynistic influencers — Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, etc. If your boyfriend is watching that content, it is slowly brainwashing him into adopting their outdated and controlling beliefs. Especially WashU ladies, you are intelligent and do not need a man who believes or watches this internet garbage. 

He Doesn’t Take You Out On Dates

Watching TV in bed is not a date, and no amount of colored LED lights will change that. I understand we all have busy lives and laying in bed together sounds nice — at times. This should not be the majority of time you spend together, and if it is, your boyfriend doesn’t value or think about you enough to plan something special. Likewise, if you confront your boyfriend about the lack of dates and he blames his lack of effort on a lack of money, then he really does not care about your emotions or making you feel better. There are picnics, walks, homemade dinners, museums…the list of free date ideas goes on and on, but he didn’t take one minute out of his day to do a Google search. 

He Victimizes Himself as a Way to Excuse His Behavior

Every time you and your boyfriend get into a disagreement, for some reason his poor, elderly grandparents always come up in the conversation. “I called you a b—- because my grandparents are dying and you’re making it worse”… “I can’t listen to how you are feeling because my grandparents are dying”… Be so for real. It’s not cool for your man to blame your relationship problems on his innocent grandparents, especially when it’s conveniently right after you want to communicate or set boundaries, and it’s not cool for him to manipulate you into feeling bad for him. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide the way you feel to prevent him from getting mad at you. Good communication skills are necessary for a healthy relationship and life, but it is not your job to teach a man how to listen and use his words.  

He’s Only Affectionate When It Means Sex

Physical touch isn’t everyone’s love language, but if he never wants to cuddle, doesn’t go for long hugs, and doesn’t hold your hand, then he’s likely only using you for your body. If he only appreciates your touch when it’s in a sexual way, then you’re being objectified. Once he starts over-sexualizing you, it’s hard to regain your self-worth in his and your eyes. This kind of relationship makes sex out to be transactional, and sex should never feel like an obligation. Sex should not be the only time you’re really connected nor the only thing that solves arguments or calms him down. 

He’s Constantly Surveilling You

I hope we’re not the first to tell you that your boyfriend going through your phone is not normal. Constantly stalking your location is not normal. Constantly telling you what you can and cannot wear or where you can and cannot go is not normal. These are all invasions of privacy and individuality, and these invasions cause rifts of mistrust and resentment in relationships. If you’re constantly being surveilled and controlled by your boyfriend, it’s because your relationship lacks trust and security. The truth is, your boyfriend’s trust issues and insecurities likely have nothing to do with you and are a result of his own traumas that he needs to work on. If he is unwilling to work on his insecurities, you need to get out of the relationship.

He Doesn’t Apologize 

Ask yourself how many times you have apologized to your boyfriend. I’m guessing it has been too many to count. Now think about how many times he has apologized to you. Has he ever apologized? Or has he only apologized just to go and do the same thing again? If your boyfriend has never given you a sincere and loving apology and accepted he was wrong, you are probably in a toxic relationship. Taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing when you have hurt someone’s feelings is important in any mature relationship. It shows you have empathy and feel bad when you have hurt your lover’s feelings. If your boyfriend is unable to show that he cares about your feelings and feels bad when he hurts them, then he lacks empathy, and you need to leave the relationship. 

He Gets Angry and Aggressive 

If your boyfriend constantly gets mad and yells at you, calls you names, and swears, that is not normal. Even if this is only a small portion of your time together, it will keep coming up, and it takes a lot of time and therapy to change one’s cognitive behavioral process. You should never be in fear of your partner’s capabilities. If you just started dating, take note of how he processes big emotions — if he yells at his parents, throws or hits objects, proceed with caution.

Next Steps

Let’s say you’ve read these points and acknowledged that your boyfriend shows a lot of these signs. Or let’s say you’ve been with a toxic boyfriend for a while and already realize it, but you’re still in love with him. What now?  

Now is the time to leave. But leaving is much easier said than done. It’s hard to leave a relationship that you really want to work out. It’s hard to abandon the sense of familiarity the other person gives you. But it’s even harder to continue staying in a relationship that sucks the life out of you. Imagine in the future you guys have children together and they are subjected to the toxicity in your relationship. You don’t want to create a generational curse that causes your kids to believe toxic relationships are okay and have them end up in one as well. 

Make a decision to leave and stand on it. If you need to cry, cry. Invest in a journal and relay your feelings towards him on a sheet of paper, because he no longer deserves to see your vulnerable side. It won’t be easy at first, but over time, you will be able to heal and move on.

Editor’s Note: The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-7233, through a confidential online chat at thehotline.org or by texting LOVEIS to 22522. The organization provides 24/7 counseling and support for anyone experiencing domestic violence or abuse or knows someone who is.

 The Sexual Assault and Rape Anonymous Helpline (S.A.R.A.H.) provides confidential and anonymous support regarding sexual assault, sexual harassment, intimate partner and sexual violence, relationships, and mental and sexual health. It can be reached at 314-935-8080 24/7 during the fall and spring academic semesters.

There are counselors at the Relationship and Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) Center, located in Seigle Hall, Suite 435, available confidentially to any University student. The office can be reached at 314-935-3445 or by email at [email protected].

The National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at 1-800-656-4673 or via online chat here 24/7.