I am by no means exaggerating when I say that this institution has failed me.

As a Black student at a predominantly white institution, I am used to structures here that inherently oppress me, but I have never felt so wholly unvalued at Wash. U., or any other school I’ve attended, than I do now. I’m constantly inundated with emails hoping that “I’m doing well in these trying and unique times,” but I’m rarely met with any active care or understanding outside of that.

Washington University is so committed to adapting to this “new normal,” but what no one—other than me, it seems—has considered is that this is not a circumstance we should be attempting to normalize. We are living through a pandemic that has left all of us both emotionally and psychologically out of touch.

We are living through violent and pervasive anti-Blackness that often feels unbearable to deal with on its own, and I am constantly wondering if I or someone I love will be the next victim of state-sanctioned murder. How could any assignment or reading for my classes possibly be more important than this deep fear that’s become an embodied part of my life?

After the Breonna Taylor verdict was announced, I cried tears for not only her, but for all of the other beautiful Black people who were taken too soon by a country who does not love them. When I didn’t go to class the next day, I contemplated emailing my (white) professors to explain my absence, but I ultimately decided not to, because why should I have to keep explaining these things to people?

I am a Black student, and I will always move through the world differently than my non-Black peers, but the University refuses to understand this. When things like the Breonna Taylor verdict happen, faculty and staff should immediately consider the toll this takes on Black students and act accordingly. I am tired of being tired of the way I am treated, and I am tired of coming up with solutions for people who make six figures to supposedly keep my best interest in mind.

With all of the frustrations I’ve been feeling, people often ask me why I didn’t take a gap semester, and in the answer to this question comes another way the University has failed me and many others like me. I am a low-income student, and I rely on my refund check and my campus jobs to support myself so that I don’t add any extra burdens to my family. Even still, campus jobs are constantly evaporating without students being given any follow-up resources, and we’re supposed to continue along as if this is just a new way of living instead of an ongoing crisis.

I am lucky that Wash. U. provides me with enough financial aid that I can support myself and the rest of my family if need be. I am lucky that I attend a university that allows me to get tested for COVID-19 regularly. But I do not feel lucky that I attend a university that expects Black students to prioritize academics over their mental health, and that expects low-income students to continue on as normal while they balance job instability on top of a pandemic and already rigorous course loads.

I was wondering why I’ve been feeling so badly since the start of the semester, and I recently realized it is because I am so deeply disappointed at how the University has failed me. I barely have the bandwidth to be a student right now, and the struggle to continue my schoolwork becomes exponentially harder when combined with the grief I feel as a Black person in America and the grief I feel knowing that in today’s climate, Wash. U. operates in a manner that is inherently not in my best interest.