On the shooting in Kentucky: How to get away with murder

Tyler Sabloff | Staff Writer

Ah yes, another shooting. This week’s comes in the form of a high school massacre in western Kentucky, which left two dead and 18 injured. This shooting comes in the wake of a year in which there were nearly as many shootings as calendar days—including the single deadliest shooting in U.S. history. In all honesty, the frequency of these events has most likely left most of us feeling apathetic whenever we receive breaking news alerts. And the sad truth is, when shootings become as regular as they have, sometimes, it’s hard to even find out that one happened. We’ve gone numb in the face of tragedy. So, rather than talk about the specific details of this incident, I’d rather map out the reactionary, six-step process that we as a society have fallen back into every. single. time. This way, everyone can know the proper way to respond to an instance of gun violence. So, here we go!

Step 1: Denial

Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers. Got to love those thoughts and prayers. It’s such an easy way to (I guess) recognize that there are less people alive today than there should have been, while also completely refusing to acknowledge what happened or really having any semblance of empathy for the victims. Caring and not caring. Truly Schrodinger’s cop-out.

Step 2: Anger

Now we move onto the “protests.” This is where people will express their outrage in the least active way possible. Adding a filter to their Facebook profiles, writing out some long drawn-out post with #weare[insert location here] at the end or however else someone decides to express their outrage without having to even leave their bed. My, the glories of the future we live in! Then, people turn their attention to the perpetrator. If you’re confused on what to think after the shooting, here’s a helpful guide based on who the shooter is, without any further information needed:

White man: “Oh, don’t blame him—he must have been mentally ill, abused, bullied, stubbed his toe this morning, etc. He’s just a poor, misunderstood soul.”

Black man: “This is exactly why we need to arm our cops with machine guns, tanks and ballistic missiles! Our inner cities are a hellhole! Must have been a drug addict.”

Arabic, Muslim or somewhat-dark-skinned man: “ISIS terrorist. Kick em’ all out. #MAGA.”

Step 3: Bargaining

Now, we turn to the government response. Democrats in Congress will regurgitate verbatim the outrage people express in Step 2, calling for the introduction of some new gun control legislation with the hopes of passing it and putting an end to this madness. But all is for naught. You see, attempting to argue any sort of gun control with the National Rifle Association-controlled Grand Old Party is about as effective as trying to punch your way through a brick wall. Nice try Dems—you’ll get ‘em next time, buddy!

Step 4: Depression

Nothing happens, and no progress is made. Just nothing. The memory of the incident fades into the background of our memories, and all of the anger reverts back to sullen bleakness and apathy.

Step 5: Acceptance

This is when the public realizes that we’re basically living in an episode of “Westworld.” Shootings keep happening; people begin having deja vu. “Haven’t we lived this before? Didn’t this happen like a week ago?”

Step 6: Rinse and Repeat

So, there you go! Now you know exactly how to respond to the next instance of gun violence. Make sure to snip out this article, and pin it up on your wall, or bookmark it on your web browser. You’ll be needing it a lot.

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