As all current students know from their high school days, Washington University loves to recruit hopeful students using flashy postcards and flyers, usually featuring glossy photos of laughing students frolicking through the cherry blossom trees next to Crow Hall or by the rows of perfectly manicured tulips outside Graham Chapel. Where, you may ask, do these flowers come from? Who plants them? Am I hallucinating because of the stress of midterms, or do they magically appear overnight?
According to a Student Union presentation by WU/FUSED, Washington University’s chapter of the national coalition U/FUSED, the University has $10 million in its endowment specifically allocated toward tulips. Although only the interest the fund garners is actually spent on them, that’s still a ton of money for something that only lasts a couple weeks, before being replaced with yet another short-lived plant. As inspiration for all the future mega-donors out there, here are the Forum staff’s suggestions for the next $10 million that comes the school’s way.

Buy one really, really big tulip

To be completely honest, I don’t know anything about tulips. I couldn’t even tell you what color they are. When I try to imagine one, my brain presents me with an image that could be labeled “default_flower.jpg,” and which looks a lot like a child’s drawing of a daisy. So I have no idea how large a tulip could feasibly grow. But whatever happens to be the upper limit of tulip height, I propose that we buy one that big and stick it somewhere on campus. With my hazy understanding of tulip economics, I would estimate that the world’s largest tulip could cost anywhere between $8 and $1,000. Either way, that’s not a lot relative to the actual tulip budget, so with the rest of the money (after we commission a plaque for what I assume will be named “The John M. Olin Memorial Tulip”), I think we should fund a couple of scholarships and call it a day. That way, the school will have used the tulip budget for its intended purpose, while also doing something that benefits people outside the tulip industry.
—Jen McLish, Staff Writer

Teach students a valuable lesson about the harsh realities of capitalism

Flaunt the absurdity of an eight-figure fund earmarked for a perennial flower. Teach our sheltered students that their oligarchic overlords actively don’t care about anything other than the extravagances that their wealth allows. Let students know that if they work hard and get rich, they too can taunt the rest of the world with inane uses of their money.
—Sean Lundergan, Staff Writer

Drain the swimming pool in the Athletic Center and fill it with a million $1 bills

I’ve just always wanted to see what that looks like, both spatially and visually.
—Aiden Blinn, Contributing Writer

Fund scholarships

To be fair, we can’t blame the administration for spending money on tulips; the money was set aside specifically for that purpose by a donor, and if people want to make a sizable donation to Wash. U., they have the right to determine where those funds go. That said, future donors ought to consider endowing scholarships for low-income students. Wash. U. has made a conscious effort toward recruiting students from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds in recent years—our number of Pell-eligible students has reached Provost Holden Thorp’s 13 percent target—but there’s still room for improvement. Maybe we’re no longer the least socioeconomically diverse school in the country, but admissions still considers a student’s ability to pay when deciding who can come here, something that can’t be said of most other elite universities.
—Ella Chochrek, Editor-in-Chief

Subsidize book costs

OK, yeah, this is a bit ambitious. But think about it, a million dollars could probably help a lot of students purchase expensive textbooks for classes like General Chemistry, General Physics I, Introduction to Psychology or even Introduction to Western Art. If the average book costs $200 (an ambitiously low estimate), then 1 million dollars could heavily subsidize between 5,000 and 10,000 books. That’s not an insignificant number for our community. A lot of students are paying their way here and trying to make ends meet—we should be providing help for such a crucial part of the academic experience, instead of making sure there are colorful flowers dotted across campus.
—Peter Dissinger, Staff Writer

Plant carrots instead

We’ve all been asking the Office of Residential Life for a new, more affordable meal plan for years. And while you can, in fact, eat tulips, I don’t know that this would necessarily be the most appetizing form of institutional rebellion. Carrots would be an innovative middle ground. Students running to and from class, exams and meetings could have a healthy and accessible snack at their fingertips at any place or time on campus (looking at you, never-ending Whispers Cafe construction). We could also brag about our fantastic #sustainability, and commitment to #localeats. Particularly enterprising prospective students would enjoy the interactive experience of pulling up a carrot and eating just like a real Wash. U. student. And if the tulip craze really was just for the aesthetics, we could always spray paint the carrot tops to be more exciting, if need be.
—Madi Bangs, Contributing Writer

Bribe the U.S. News & World Report

Can you imagine the surprise on the faces of chancellors and president at our peer institutions when they see, in the next iteration of yearly college rankings, that Wash. U. jumped the 17 places up to first place? Here’s the thing: No one’s actually going to believe that Wash. U. is the No. 1 ranked school, but the point is attention. Wash. U. administrators moan and complain that all of our problems (socioeconomic diversity, racial diversity, prestige, admissions yield…) are in part rooted in the fact that we’re in the middle of Missouri and because of that—to put it simply—we’re less well-known as an institution. Just think about all the publicity we could get! All press is good press! All of our problems will be solved! (To make a comparison only 0.0001 percent of Wash. U. students will understand: Think about the tulip fund as Chuck Blazer and Wash. U. in the first place spot as the United States’ men’s national soccer team making the World Cup. Without Chuck Blazer and a little bribery—well, we all know what happened. I’m still bitter about it. Just deal with it.)
—Noa Yadidi, Managing Editor

Get better chairs for the libraries

I spend more time in Danforth Campus libraries than I am willing to admit. Whether it’s a trip between classes or the middle of an all-nighter to finish homework I should have started four days earlier, the chairs on this campus are horrible. Give me some more cushion and proper lumbar support. Let me adjust the height or lean back and doze off for only like 15 minutes, I swear. In fact, just get those chairs from the first “Men in Black” movie when everyone is in that white room. It can be the cocoon of safety from the real world.
—Matt Wallace, Staff Writer

Actually get tulips?

Has anyone actually ever seen these supposed tulips? I definitely haven’t. So maybe, like, get some tulips. We could fill up all of Mudd Field with tulips and frolic in them between classes. Or, alternatively, buy every student their own bouquet of tulips. Campus seems to be severely lacking in terms of our supposed floral allocations.
—Tyler Sabloff, Contributing Writer

Financial aid

Does this really need more explanation?
—Hannah Gilberstadt, Contributing Writer

Build a giant hole in the East End of campus

What’s that? We already did that?
—Jon Lewis, Senior Sports Editor

Become a 17th century Dutch Trading Company

For those of you who haven’t heard of tulipomania, the term refers to the period of Dutch history when the economy of the country was so tied to tulips that a bubble brought the country to its knees and wiped out life savings. But with a $10 million tulip budget, Wash. U. can corner the Dutch tulip market in the 17th century and capitalize on the rapidly rising prices before it’s too late. Maybe the school will make so much money that we can divest from fossil fuels!
—Josh Zucker, Design Chief

Pay my ransom to StudLife

I’ve been held for ransom in the Editor in Chief’s office for nine days without food or water. I’m beginning to hallucinate myself playing Connect 4 with Dean of Students  Rob Wild and that Chancellor Mark Wrighton actually divested from fossil fuels, which is ridiculous, of course. But if someone could slip some sort of dry cracker under the door, I’d be super grateful. Just, please, nothing from Cafe Bergson.
—Ethan Jaynes, Senior Online Editor

Build Cupples III

Nothing says “mecca of scholarship” like another building named after Samuel Cupples himself, business partner of Robert Brookings and famed woodenware merchant. There obviously isn’t room near Cupples I and Cupples II for a new building, so Cupples III will just have to be on the other side of campus. Maybe we should just start renaming every building “Cupples X” for a more cohesive campus theme. Maybe we should just change the name to Cupples University.
—Elena Quinones, Contributing Writer

Install telephones around campus

I can’t be the only one constantly wrestling with my phone battery. One moment I’m watching cooking videos in class at full power; the next moment I walk outside with a dead brick in my pocket. What if I need to make a quick call or tweet in transit? Instead of paying for tulips, use that money to install strategically placed community cell phones around campus. We all know nothing comes free at Wash. U., so the administration can certainly charge a few quarters for the privilege. You’ll never be tethered to your technology again. The best part is you won’t even need the contacts in your phone. Instead, there can be a great big book below the phone containing the names and addresses of everyone in the Wash. U. community. Call it a “Bear Book” or something, ask the First Year Center, they have names for everything.
—Aaron Brezel, Managing Editor