Romeo and Juliet, eat your heart out! Shakespeare may have been a master of prose in his time, but throughout the 1980s and ’90s, that award most surely went to Fabio and the horde of writers who put him on the cover of their dime-store romance novels. If you’re not familiar with Fabio, he’s an Italian fashion model, personality and actor who has always championed long hair and schlocky romance novels.

In all truth, we at Scene have never read any of his novels, but the book covers themselves are a sight to behold, and we thought they were worth sharing. In honor of Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, here are four completely made-up plot summaries based solely on our favorite Fabio book covers.

“Apache Heartbeat”

The cover of “Apache Heartbeat” features Fabio coyly holding a ravishing woman while their windswept hair blows in distinctly opposite directions. The beautiful couple is in a field of flowers, suggesting that this is the standard tryst location. The use of “Apache” in the title means that the novel likely takes place in the Southwest.

Perhaps Fabio works as a grizzled ranch hand, rough and ready to go. His lover is a big-city girl, raised on cotillions and fine dining. Her hand has been promised to a rich banker and she is unhappily married as the book begins. Their honeymoon takes them to the Southwest, where the woman meets the true love of her life, the handsome Fabio.

At first, she only watches him from afar, but soon the two meet in a late-night carriage accident that lands her husband in the hospital. With nothing but time to kill, the woman engages Fabio in a romance for the ages. The two of them probably have sex on that horse in the cover’s background. –Noah Jodice

“Pirate”

One of the official Fabio books, “Pirate” was co-written by the legend himself. The cover gives very little information about the contents of the book. All we know is that Fabio’s character is a pirate and he doesn’t wear a shirt. The book could go anywhere from here. Is there a love interest, or does Fabio simply sail the high seas for the entire novel, longing for someone to call his own?

“Pirate” seems to be Fabio’s “Moby Dick” (all of the puns intended). Perhaps the book begins with a young Fabio as a stowaway on a pirate vessel, where he learns the tricks of the trade (and how to woo a woman). He spends his teenage years as a plucky young upstart on the pirate scene before becoming captain of his own boat at the tender age of 22. Along the way, he has relations with mermaids, port-of-call girls and others of the sort. But Fabio still longs for his one, true love, and it will haunt him until the end of his days. –Noah Jodice

“Wild”

What is really exciting about this cover is the ’80s Miami aesthetic. Fabio looks like a ripped version of Don Johnson on “Miami Vice,” with an extremely low-cut shirt/blazer combo. It would only make sense, then, that this book would be an overly romanticized version of “Miami Vice.” Fabio is a born detective who doesn’t play by the rules, and his “Wild” personality extends to his romantic life. He solves crimes through seduction, not force. The woman by his side is simply his most recent catch.

But what happens when the simple art of seduction lands Fabio in love? The woman’s knowing glance says that she has the upper hand here. Will the “Wild” man give up his former life to settle down with the woman of his dreams, who also happens to be Miami’s most dangerous criminal? –Noah Jodice

“Scoundrel’s Captive”

This cover screams “romance,” from Fabio biting the woman’s lip to the small white horse figure on Fabio’s shoulder to the woman’s rather aggressive hand modeling against Fabio’s chest. There are lots of flowers strewn across the lass’ legs. Perhaps she’s having an allergic reaction to the pollen and that’s the cause of her strange arm contortions.

The title “Scoundrel’s Captive” suggests that some rapscallion is keeping a person there against his or her will. The cover would lead you to believe that Vest Boy is the scoundrel, but if he’s tending to her during her allergic reaction, then he’s no scoundrel. My money’s on the white horse being the scoundrel. While Vest Boy and EpiPen Girl are off ravaging each other in the plains or rivers (far away from more pollen) and adamantly declaring that they’re not in love, White Horse is plotting jealous revenge against them. (After all, who wouldn’t love Fabio?)

In the end, Vest Boy and EpiPen Girl use the fan to defeat the horse, and they finally accept their feelings for each other. Does EpiPen girl ever find an EpiPen to treat her allergic reaction? Read the book to find out. –Lindsay Tracy