(Photo courtesy of Pepper Schwartz)

Sociologist Pepper Schwartz will speak about sex, love, and life in a conversation scheduled for 10:00 a.m. on Wednesday, April 16 in Graham Chapel. In anticipation of the event, Schwartz sat for an interview with Student Life to discuss the event and her views on sex, sexuality, love, and related topics.

Schwartz, a sociologist for over 50 years, has written 26 books and serves as a relationship expert on the reality tv show “Married at First Sight.” Schwartz will emphasize the importance of intimate relationships in her talk.

“I’ll be talking about love and relationships and commitment, dating, marriage, [etc.],” Schwartz said. “Intimate relationships are, I think, what anchors us to emotion, sometimes very positive emotion, sometimes very fraught emotions.”

Of Schwartz’s 26 published books, many include collections of tips, advice, or the debunking of myths concerning sex, love, and dating. Schwartz stated that one common misconception is sex meaning too much or too little, as “sex means so many different things to different people at different times.” She added that her most important tip is communication.

“Say what you’re thinking, talk about what you’re doing, communicate with whoever you’re with; don’t let it all bottle up,” Schwartz said. “My feeling is, if you can’t talk about it, don’t do it.”

Schwartz described the framework of sex as involving two mutually attracted people both agreeing and feeling good about what they are doing. 

“Can they feel good about that in the light of day because they acted in a way that they would respect themselves [for]?” Schwartz said. “Try to hold yourself to a standard where you like yourself, and the other person is going to like you too … I’m just saying, what kind of person do you want to be, and why not hold yourself to that standard?”

However, when it comes to sex, love, or sexuality, much has been — or still can be — considered taboo. Schwartz said that masturbation is currently one of the most taboo topics, despite its prevalence. 

“Sometimes sexuality is for personal pleasure,” Schwartz said. “Other forms of pleasure we do alone don’t seem to have the stigma [masturbation does] because they don’t come from any kind of religious prohibitions. We’re feeling guilty that we’re just making ourselves feel good and enjoying our sexual ability … Why are we punishing ourselves for that? I don’t get it.”

Unfortunately, negative emotions such as fear can often pervade relationships, something Schwartz has learned during her time as a relationship expert on “Married at First Sight.”

“One of the things I’ve learned in a much deeper way than I knew from my previous studies is how afraid people are of so much,” Schwartz said. “A lot of pain and fear continues through a life, and we often don’t know we are reacting because of those fears and because of those pains.” 

But Schwartz noted that it is not weak to talk to a third party about any negative emotions or negative experiences, especially when it comes to sex, love, or dating.

“I think sometimes even just an hour spent with somebody who’s an objective but empathic professional can really help a lot,” Schwartz said. “And it should be seen as just another arrow in your quiver, just like ‘Yeah, I can get a lot out of even one discussion of why I’m feeling the way I do, why I hurt the way I do, or how I reacted in a way that surprised me and I didn’t like.’”

Schwartz held that “people have the right to practice consensual sexuality in any damn way they feel like,” stating that it is a civil right which needs to be protected. She explained that humans were designed to be sexual.

“I think it’s important to think of sexuality as something you want to encourage for everyone,” Schwartz said. “It’s literally physically better for you, it’s part of our design … So, I see sexuality as a lifetime gift that people don’t pay attention to or neglect at their own peril.”

Schwartz’s view of sexuality as a lifetime endeavor extends to her research, where she examines sexuality in aging. In fact, the University of Minnesota established a professorship on sexuality and aging in Schwartz’s name, ensuring this research continues.

“I think sexuality is a great gift, and I don’t want anybody to feel like it has an expiration date,” Schwartz said. “Sometimes it annoys me if, you know, two 80-year olds meet and fall in love and then people think ‘Oh, isn’t that cute.’ And I go, ‘What do you mean, cute?’ You know, it is people, and they retain the ability to love and love passionately.”

Conversations about intimate relationships can be sensitive. Schwartz said that she changes her talking points based on her audience, even on the spot if need be, though she noted that attending a lecture on the subject gives “a certain amount of consent.”

“You basically have to read the room,” Schwartz said. “There’s a lot of things I have to take into account about who’s ready to hear what, and you have to see who you are talking to and what they want to know about … I don’t want to infantilize anything, and I don’t want to make people shocked for the sheer pleasure of that, [either]. That’s just not what I’m about.”

Schwartz, who has taught about love and relationships in a myriad of different mediums, from peer-reviewed articles to reality tv, said she was looking forward to being interviewed in her upcoming event on April 16th.

“[It’s] a fun format for me,” Schwartz said. “I like to answer questions that are on people’s minds, rather than assume I know what’s on their mind.”