A pregnancy test demonstrates that a girl is pregnant. Despite the relevance of Bristol Palin’s proposed lecture, Washington University had not confirmed a pregnancy on campus until this week.

Employees at Student Health Services were surprised when an administered pregnancy test turned up positive for a female Washington University student.

According to Dr. Brigham Young, associate vice chancellor and director of SHS, the positive test validates unwritten office protocol that mandates giving a pregnancy test to every female who has an appointment SHS.

“There was no reason to believe that this student was pregnant,” Young said. “She was eating a lot and threw up once or twice, but we assumed that it was just alcohol poisoning since she returned from a formal last weekend.”

The student, whom SHS refused to identify, was the first undergraduate to generate a positive pregnancy test since the University began its screening protocol in 1950.

“We’ve had a lot of students display the classic symptoms of pregnancy like a runny nose, fever, tummy aches, uncontrolled shouting, and even some disjointed limbs, but these students were never actually pregnant,” Young said. “We were close to eliminating the tests from our standard protocol, but this result proves that our reliance on modern medicine is working.”

The news upset many female students at the University who resented the accusation from SHS that all females at the University are pregnant.

“How does a sore throat or runny nose suggest the diagnosis of pregnancy? Mono or syphilis makes so much more sense,” said sophomore Nancy Smart, a public health minor. “If I miss my period, then give me a pregnancy test.”

While the positive pregnancy test angered women, male undergraduates were even more infuriated.

“This test clearly shows that SHS is not doing its job. When I use a condom that is provided by SHS, or I have sex with a girl who says that she is on the Pill, I expect to have my fun and never hear from her again,” said a freshman who asked not to be identified due to the sensitivity of his comment.

The positive test, the first of presumably thousands of tests run at SHS over the years, is also changing the perception of the University to prospective students.

Edith Goldbergstein, who was asked to attend Celebrations Weekend in order to represent the minority of Jewish students from Long Island, was surprised to hear that a student was pregnant.

“I didn’t think that Wash. U. students had sex,” Goldbergstein said. “Students here always seem way too uptight to be releasing the mad rush of endorphins that accompanies an orgasm. That’s why I chose to study here. I just want to dedicate all of my time to studying and deciding which pair of leggings to wear in the morning.”