Hello, it is me, an online commenter who’s riled up about something a college newspaper published. I am a trustworthy voice that you should listen to, because I have access to the internet. I am a person who has your best interests at heart, college newspaper writer to whom I am a complete stranger, and I feel compelled to tell you that your content is not up to my High Standards. Here are some tips for you, which, again, I share out of pure altruism and with no other agenda.

I’ll start this unsolicited feedback by describing my own political beliefs, because I think this should matter to you. I’m not loyal to any party or ideology; I’ve split my ticket every election I’ve voted in, a fact that I believe is not only advantageous in the context of a controversial political discussion, but actually a morally good thing. I think the government should stay out of our lives, except for when it shouldn’t. See how it’s possible to have thoughtful, nuanced beliefs?

Now, on to your article. It is simply appalling to me that you would publish something that I, someone who is very grounded and relevant, personally disagree with. I believe that this feeling is reasonable.

In fact—here’s a doozy for ya—for a second, I thought this was a piece of SATIRE. Because of how WRONG it was! What a joke I’ve thought of, folks.

Well, now that we’ve had a good laugh, it’s time to get serious. Your opinion is bigoted. I know you won’t believe me; so, let’s do a little thought experiment. Imagine if you replaced the group you’re criticizing with a group that you’re not criticizing: What if you said “I don’t think black people have good ideas.” Then you’d be a racist. Boom. Bet you never thought of it that way, and now that you’ve read my airtight analogy, you must feel pretty naive. In my mind, I have just made a legitimately devastating argument.

It’s astonishing how small-minded you are. You need to break out of your bubble; you don’t even have a real idea of who disagrees with you. I know for certain, without ever having met you, exactly who you know and your daily habits, and I am positive that you’ve never encountered someone who disagrees with you.

I know this is probably too much for your closed-off, hypersensitive mind, but I’m going to list some intellectuals whose work I would recommend reading. I have not read them myself, but I know the gist, and being a Reasonable Voter is enough to qualify me to suggest, purely for my own rhetorical reasons, that you read them. Here they are: FA Hayek; Milton Friedman; Publius, of the Federalist Papers. I bet you’ve never even heard of those extremely famous guys. Just goes to show, the left is an echo chamber, which I have just now proven through logic, and not by constructing a strawman like you did.

There are good ideas from people everywhere on the political spectrum. For example, the Racism Lovers might love racism, (which, I’m not afraid to say, I’m against), but I’ll be darned if they don’t have some good ideas, like their platform on How to Perpetuate a Racist Society. Even leftists like you have to acknowledge they did a bang-up job on that one. If you dismiss the ideas of people like the Racism Lovers out of hand, how can you expect people to take your ideas like how “Racism Is Bad, Actually” seriously? You should consider adopting this perspective, which, as you can tell, allows me to see politics much more clearly and intelligently.

Listen—I’m not absolutely demolishing you just so you’ll stop writing Bad (because I disagree with them) Takes. Learning to endure fundamentally immoral arguments out of a deluded sense of fairness is a part of life. When your boss goes around saying women shouldn’t have leadership roles, or that whites are better than other races, what are you going to do, tell him he’s wrong? I don’t think so buddy, because he’ll can your ass, and he will be right to do so because he is the Boss. This arrangement is something that I believe not only exists everywhere but is also good, because the way things are is also the way they should be and will always be.

Wow. Really, I’m speechless. I simply cannot get over the ignorance, the small-mindedness, the not-exactly-what-I-think-ness of your article. Because you have stated an opinion that is not shared by me specifically, you should be branded a fascist. Furthermore, I assert that, in stating a controversial opinion that was sure to enrage a lot of people, you have engaged in an act of cowardice. You should be more like me, someone who prioritizes a rhetorical posture of impartiality over having any convictions of my own.