Dearest readers,

I have been writing Deep Cuts for a semester now. I plan on continuing to probe the bowels of the great streaming website Netflix to write about the abominations and hidden gems that I find there for years to come. But today, cherished readers, I give you something really special. Something life-changing—nay, transformative. I have written something that will challenge the limits of the mind, that will reinvent our notions of what it means to be human. Today, dear readers, you hold in your hand the key to the future; a piece of literature that will transcend space and time.

I watched the top three movies on Netflix with a dog as the main character and reviewed them. In no particular order:

1. “Balto” (1995)

I was forced to watch “Balto” at least once a month from ages 8-11 (my little sister went through a real animal movies phase in her younger years). Fun fact: “Balto” was executively produced by Steven Spielberg and, yes, it absolutely freaking SLAPS. It’s is a movie about embracing and finding strength in what makes you different: Balto is a total stud, but nobody sees it because he’s half wolf. Despite the fact that a bunch of real a-holes in the town are mean to him, Balto is literally the perfect man. He literally almost dies a bunch of times to save the sick children of his town! He also has an adoptive dad who is a goose named Boris Goosinoff and some polar bear friends and a suave dog girlfriend. There are high stakes, awesome adventures and adorable animals. Magnifique.

2. “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” (2008)

This movie is such an absolute roller coaster. There is a lot of questionable stuff in here. Basically, Jamie Lee Curtis’s chihuahua, Chloe, gets taken to Mexico by her niece and then gets kidnapped and put into a dogfighting ring and gets some help from other dogs to get back to Beverly Hills. The dogs all talk, but with their mouths moving like in those insurance commercials, which is pretty unsettling. I don’t have a ton to say about this movie, except that I had fun watching it for the first time at my grandma’s friend’s house when I was like 12, and watching it again now, I notice that a bunch of it is pretty racist.

3. “101 Dalmatians” (1996)

Ah, yes, the great American classic, “101 Dalmatians.” Glenn Close really goes off as Cruella de Vil in this movie; she dresses like an absolute legend and pulls off being both scary and funny at the same time. Cruella being like “disgusting creatures, I’m sick to think we breathe the same air” in reference to a bunch of sweet puppies?! CINEMATIC GENIUS. I have no idea how this movie managed to pull both House (Hugh Laurie) and Arthur Weasley (Mark Williams) into being the bumbling henchmen, but it’s incredible. Whoever was the casting agent for this movie should be given an award. Granted, the dogs don’t have nearly as much personality as Balto or Chloe, but there are 101 of them. We’ll live.

I hope that you’ve all gained as much from this journey as I have. Godspeed.