Social Programming Board finally announced on Sunday night that Childish Gambino will headline this year’s spring W.I.L.D., but he wasn’t SPB’s first choice. In a desperate attempt to break the news of the W.I.L.D. headliner before SPB, Student Life conducted an undercover investigation and managed to get its hands on the original shortlist of W.I.L.D. artists.

Kanye West
SPB reached out to West about playing W.I.L.D., hoping the show could be a replacement for his canceled St. Louis show back in the fall. West was enthusiastic about playing Wash. U., saying it would be “an event of musical genius that will make Mozart look like Nickelback.” Unfortunately, West’s massive mountaintop stage set would have been unable to fit on the Brookings Quadrangle stage. He said that if the mountain couldn’t be there, he wouldn’t be there.

Fake Indie Band
Readers may assume Fake Indie Band is made up, but it is very much real. Hailing from Portland, Ore., Fake Indie Band delights in its ironic name. It plays music that mixes classic Paul Simon and Canadian electro-folk with CBGB-era punk. Fake Indie Band has a core group of 5 members, all of whom wear flannel shirts made of their own beard hair. The group also has a 15-member backup group, featuring a brass trio, strings, xylophone, saw, harmonica, harp, dulcimer and an eagle that screeches on cue. Unfortunately, Fake Indie Band couldn’t be booked due to their tour rider’s demands for exorbitant amounts of fancy coffee drinks.

Outkast
The reasoning behind this selection was that Outkast is already playing every music festival in the nation this year, so why not W.I.L.D., too? Outkast regrettably replied that it is already overbooked, mentioning that it already performed at W.I.L.D. back in 2000 and that 14 years was just a little too soon to return to campus. However, it will be playing a set at the historic Starbucks on the Delmar Loop this April.

Early 1900s vaudeville singer Lester Long
Past W.I.L.D.s have featured acts ranging in genre from rap to indie to pop, but SPB thought it might change things up a bit this year with some Vaudeville. Lester sings simple songs about love, sunny days, the Wright brothers at Kitty Hawk and the follies of the Roosevelt administration. He also performs mime comedy and features a dancing bear wearing a ballerina tutu. Don’t show Lester any modern technology or you may break the genie’s spell that keeps him alive.

Chris Brown
Chris Brown enthusiastically reached out to SPB about playing W.I.L.D., but SPB wisely declined, stating, “You’re a horrible person.”

That guy from the party who plays acoustic guitar
SPB saw him at a party last weekend and thought he would be perfect for W.I.L.D. The guy was seen picking up the host’s acoustic guitar and playing to a small group gathered around him. He performed renditions of “Sweet Child O’Mine,” “Free Falling” and “Daughters,” adding that he “used to know the solo from ‘Stairway to Heaven.’” He was the life of the party.

SpongeBob SquarePants
The main event would be “Sweet Victory” from the “Band Geeks” episode. This was one of the most memorable moments in music history. The show received a Grammy and Tony award (halfway to an EGOT) for this searing ’80s-style ballad. To see it recreated at Wash U. would be transcendent. Other song suggestions are “The Campfire Song,” “F.U.N.,” “Ripped My Pants” and “Striped Sweater.” An anonymous SPB representative said, “I don’t care if we have to use nuclear fission and animal cloning to create a mutant, talking sponge that later terrorizes campus and destroys all of humanity. It would be worth it for 40 minutes of SpongeBob Live.”