Even against chemistry exams, MCAT prep and more theme weeks than actual weeks in a school year, one thing floods students in stress more than anything else: water fountains. Whether they’re called bubblers or spigots, these delightful founts populate every wall adjoining male and female restrooms and stand forlornly in some hallways, too. There are even some that brave the elements outside—like that one you always pass on the way to the Delmar Loop. With so many options, it’s a wonder Wash. U. students aren’t washed away. Because some water fountains naturally must be better than others, I went across campus and sampled every water fountain—all 496—and reviewed all of them for taste, flow, girth, moistness and more. Now you’ll never have to deal with that sub-par water-going experience again. (Editor’s note: Shirlene, we need to cut some of these—word limits are word limits, and 496 reviews are simply too many.)

Danforth University Unit 003—that one between the boys’ and girls’ bathrooms near Dains Dining Hall

Location, location, location—what more need I say? This awkwardly situated fountain always has me worried someone will run into me on his or her way out of the loo. Once I overcame this fear and made it to the actual faucet, things got better. But the robust cold jet flowing to my mouth turned lukewarm in less than the standard three Mississippis’ drinking time. The bottle faucet’s handle was missing, and in its place was a crude lever device that had me wondering if I had contracted tetanus. I’d only stop here on your way from the bathroom for a quick refill.

Psychology Building Unit 036—that one on the first floor across from the bathrooms, near the poster advertising for test subjects and the out-of-date flyer for the department Christmas party

This fountain’s location was a definite improvement over DUC Unit 003’s. The layout is spacious and allows for plenty of bending room—which is good because I can’t be sure, but this fountain seemed suspiciously shorter than the standard 42-inch model. Tall drinkers, beware. Be sure to wear a belt and avoid baggy clothes to prevent unnecessary wardrobe malfunctions while drinking. Also, all drinkers, beware. My mouth tasted of rust and maybe a little copper when I finished sampling. But if you like a full-bodied metallic aftertaste, this fountain’s for you.

Olin Library Unit 102—that one on the first floor across from the bathrooms and next to the bookshelf of books people never read

Talk about flow problems! Drinking from this guy felt like blowing my ex—I practically had to deep-throat the faucet to suck any water down. Don’t even get me started about simultaneous drink-bottle-refill possibilities. If someone is using the bottle refill faucet, you might as well give up any hope of getting a swallow. Things only get worse when you realize someone decided to position a chair and ottoman right next to the water fountain. There’s a very real possibility some voyeuristic librarian is watching you drink within spitting range, which I would suggest you take advantage of if he starts looking at you particularly thirstily. The only upside to this unit is its delightful gold plating—you’ll feel like royalty as you French the faucet and probably catch mono.

Duncker Hall Unit 001—that one on the bottom floor near the bathrooms and the snack machine that tried to eat my Bear Bucks card

Sweet heavens! The best oasis I’ve found on this campus yet, Duncker Hall Unit 001 is practically flawless. It’s consistently cold—but not too cold—and is never crowded. I’ve only ever had to wait in line once, which, given the fountain’s quality, boggles my mind. It should be like the Macklemore ticket line all the time. The best part of this unit, though, is its fantastic bottle refill device that provides an unparalleled bottle refilling experience. Situated on an altar, this bottle refiller is fully automated and motion-sensor activated—and there’s nothing quite like watching the numbers on its counter scroll up when it tells you how many plastic bottles you’ve helped save. Put this on your Wash. U. bucket list, kids. It’s up there with the bathtubs in Lee and Beau.