In the few months since Kappa Delta has colonized on this campus, you may have forgotten that we even exist. Well, we haven’t.

We’ve been extremely busy over the last several months. We had a profoundly moving initiation ceremony where we all dressed in pretty white dresses and took lots of pictures to prove to our Facebook friends that we’re popular and loved. And we’ve proven ourselves equal if not superior to our peer sororities. We basically won Strike Out Arthritis—or at least our advisor posted that we did on Facebook— and within just months, we’ve already thrown a successful toga party.

We’re more than a sorority. We’re sisters.

And actually, we’re more than sisters. We’re twins. And we have hundreds of Facebook pictures to prove it.

Well all that’s great, you may say, but what about the one thing that really sets a sorority apart—its philanthropy efforts? What are you doing about that?

The key to a successful philanthropy project requires ingenuity and hard work. It requires sustained effort by people who care for each other and care about their cause. And that’s why we are thrilled to announce on behalf of our entire sorority that we will be donating all our time and fundraising profits to reviving the campus plastic bag ban initiative.

Washington University cares about nothing more than sustainability—at least now that Sigma Alpha Mu and most of the drugs are gone. And while most of our national efforts go toward the Girl Scouts of America, we will still be able to support them as a chapter by selling their cookies—at least the Thin Mints and ones people like.

We as a sorority support a campus ban of plastic bags for many reasons. First, plastic bags are 10 times more likely than reusable bags to scrape paint off nails. Second, plastic bags are cheap, and if there’s anything Kappa Delta isn’t, it’s cheap. If they don’t use them at the country club, we shouldn’t use them here. And Wash. U. deserves better.

You may think that Kappa Delta is a sorority of wealthy debutantes who consider a layover flight to the Hamptons strenuous, but we’re prepared to shatter that stereotype by taking an active role in campus politics. We’re extremely passionate women. And we care about making Wash. U. as beautiful and expensive as possible by whatever means necessary.

As our spring philanthropy project, our members will go around puncturing every plastic bag on this campus and offering reusable, sustainable alternatives. You don’t know who to look out for because you don’t actually know what Kappa Delta is or who its members are? You’ll learn fast. We all look pretty much the same. After all, we’re twins.

If you’re a conscientious citizen who doesn’t use environment-killing plastic bags, there’s nothing to be worried about. We’re not out to get you. We’re just here to make campus a better place.

If, on the other hand, you’re a plastic bag, you better watch out. We’ve got our scrapbook-quality X-Acto knives ready.