Student Health Services announced that because zero Washington University students are infected with the infamous “WashFlu,” the health center has definitively cured the disease.

According to Student Health Serivices Director Cher, the health center had funneled all of its resources into curing the WashFlu. Apparently, the research has been going on for years.

“Students complain that we ‘have no appointments,’ or that we ‘are totally inaccessible,’” Cher said. “Little do they know, we aren’t doing nothing. We were working on the cure. That’s why we have no appointments. The research takes priority. This is a research institution. I’m surprised no one’s put that together by now.’”

Some students originally doubted whether SHS’s self-proclaimed “medical miracle” was accurate—or even possible. When sophomore Dani Drunk-Flame went into SHS with flu-like symptoms, she was skeptical of the doctor’s prescription.

“They told me to take cough drops and drink a full bottle of honey. I didn’t believe it would work because this is what SHS prescribes me every time I have any sort of illness,” she said. “But this time they really emphasized the amount of honey. A full bottle. So, I tried it, and it worked. They’re true geniuses.”

The physicians at SHS had a unique approach to motivate themselves to find the cure. Many students were confused as to why SHS was not offering flu shots during peak flu season, but the situation was actually very intentional—the doctors threw all vaccines out.

“We’ve wanted to cure WashFlu for years. This year, we decided to turn that want into a need. By throwing out every single flu vaccination, we really NEEDED to cure the flu,” Dr. Medicyl Degree said. “You’re welcome.”

Now that SHS has cured WashFlu, the dcotors has no idea what to do with themselves. The board of directors is considering partaking in a 60 day silent meditation retreat to find their new purpose.

“Up until the point that we leave, we will only be handing out pregnancy tests,” Cher said. “I’m sure our staff will be up for this very arduous challenge of actually diagnosing students. Eventually.”

The staff is not so sure.

This is an ongoing investigation.