Courtesy of Wash. Jew... Err, U. Dining Services

After an unsuccessful early push for the $2.2 billion Leading Together campaign, the chancellor himself signed off on listing the popular dining location on the South 40 on various Jewish Listservs as a dream coming-of-age hot spot, and in numerous wedding magazines as the perfect place to tie the knot without sacrificing fluorescent lights and booth-style seating.

The chancellor expressed concerns that current fundraising efforts were just not doing enough.

“I travel the country, talk to alumni, and occasionally make an under-the-table admissions deal or two, but nothing seems to be working. We’ve only raised $1.459 billion,” he said.

“I get breakfast in Bear’s Den every morning and it’s always just so empty. Of course, my day doesn’t start in Bear’s Den. As it usually goes, my eyes open at exactly 5:59 and 59 seconds, just in time for me to beat my alarm clock,” Wrongon continued, but the entirety of the story lasted for another 15 minutes.

“I walk my dogs around campus, and I can see in their eyes that all they want is to see some nice Jewish boys becoming men in Bear’s Den,” he said. “But it’s never happened. And really, there’s no good reason why they shouldn’t.”

“Also, we need more money for the next b-school renovation,” he added.

To cover the costs of the Bear’s Den renovation, prices for nightly rental will be set at $5,000, which does not cover the cost of the brunch wristbands that all in attendance must wear to avoid an appointment with the judicial administrator, Tia Queen. Because of the University’s partnership with Bon Appetit, no other company will be allowed to cater, but many have already expressed support with the taco and hot dog option.

Connie’s Choice for the hottest bridesmaid dress colors of the season will be posted weekly, along with tips to lose weight for the big day. Her first pick: watermelon, for both the dress color and the quickest way to burn fat.

Other Bear’s Den traditions will be making their way into the monumental life ceremonies, including decorations themed around holidays and upcoming cultural shows, MyPlate meals for guests and throwing stir fry instead of rice.

Newly engaged alumni were thrilled to hear the news, adding themselves to the wait-list as soon as they could.

“I’ve just always dreamed of being married in a place that is so beautiful and has so many good memories for me and Stan [Shunpike],” Amelia Stevenson, a recently engaged Washington University graduate from the class of 2010, said.

“I knew that I should have reserved a spot in Graham Chapel when I was a sophomore, just in case, but I didn’t have any luck in finding my soul mate until my senior year,” Stevenson continued. “Then we dated for a while before he proposed, you know, so we weren’t going to be able to get married until 2016 if we wanted to do it there. But now that Bear’s Den is open for weddings, it’ll be within the next couple of months!”

To manage the long wait-list for the coveted Graham Chapel venue, administrators are reaching out to those who have one or more years before their scheduled date, to see if they would be interested in the Bear’s Den location.

Bear’s Den employees were overjoyed, noting that their event catering skills have been vastly underutilized.

“I’ve always wanted to start the perfect Kosher catering business. This is my time to shine,” Kosher station employee Abram Rosenblum said.

Beloved Paws 7 Go cashier, Merrisa Robinson, will be the master of ceremonies for any and all booked events.

Some students were not sure what to think of the new fundraising option, noting that it may create some tension between newlyweds and inebriated students grabbing late-night fourth-meals.

“It just seems sinful to get married in a place that looks like it was designed based off a Harry Potter book,” sophomore and legacy student Lindsey Anderson said. “As if hosting porn stars in my parents’ wedding chapel weren’t desecration enough.”

Freshman Avi Goldberg wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea, but conceded that he’s wanted to go to a bar mitzvah ever since he was disinherited for accidentally eating a ham and cheese sandwich in the second grade.

“I mean, it’s pretty weird that people will be getting married and advancing to manhood in the same place where I like to eat my half-and-halves. But you do you, Wash. U.,” Goldberg said. “As long as they’re not surprised when I show up.”