In response to ongoing student protests by those forced to live among the storied perils of Delmar Blvd., Residential Life has decided to add much-needed luxuries to convince students that they aren’t being deported to North County.

While they have still not managed to add Tempur-Pedic mattresses due to a recall for a manufacturing defect that caused back spasms in numerous users, the apartments will now feature several new luxury features such as champagne dispensers, heated bathroom floors and toilet seats, a built-in oyster bar, California king-sized beds and even a “smart” fridge that can communicate with the tenants.

“At first I was a little nervous about the whole talking-fridge thing…I’ve seen ‘Smart House,’” junior Georgia Butternut said. “But hopefully it won’t develop human intelligence and emotions and try to be my new mom.”

“The champagne dispensers will be useful to keep my Franzia in during parties,” sophomore Brick Bratton said. “And I guess I can use the oyster bar to store Ben, the cadaver from my human anatomy lab and also my off-and-on lover.”

New accommodations in the lobby will include valet parking, a concierge desk, a Louis Vuitton store and a Sephora makeup and fragrance store.

“The concierge will allow students to break out of the Wash. U ‘bubble’ and really embrace the Delmar Loop community,” Clark Fullofit, director of off-campus living at Residential Life, said.

“The valet parking will cater to our students’ needs,” Fullofit continued. “We figured it’s the least we could do since we’re making them pay $500 for a parking pass that they can’t even use on campus.”

“Oh, I’m definitely excited about the Sephora,” sophomore Tinsel Tamryn said. “I hear they also have a service where you can get a little person to walk on your back.”

The new additions were possible due to a housing price increase to $50,000 a year. That figure does not include optional turndown service, available for an additional $5,000 per month—which does include pillow chocolates.

“We know that’s almost as much as a year of tuition, but you really can’t put a price on this kind of luxury,” said Fullofit. “And the money students spend will go toward revitalizing the Delmar Loop, which is a cause we can all get behind.”

“I haven’t told my parents yet about the price increase,” Tamryn said. “But I’ll just use my Bear Bucks.”

Junior Brent Everyman was placed in the Lofts, even though he did not rank it on his petition. His parents have already sold their house and moved in with him to help pay for his housing, but with the new price increase, Everyman has also had to take on a work-study job.

“Some people say there’s no dignity in male stripping, but if letting the deans stuff singles and Bear Bucks in my G-string means I’ll get heated bathroom floors, then who needs dignity?” Everyman said.