So you have a roommate. And Valentine’s Day is juuuuuust around the corner. And you really want to bring that really special someone back and have some PG-13+ fun. Or worse yet, your roommate wants to bring her current squeeze by. Either way, it’s time to tackle the most awkward, excruciating, potentially obnoxious part of dorm life: the sexile. In order to assist you in your endeavor, we at your friendly neighborhood newspaper have prepared a comprehensive guide to being both a perpetrator and victim of sexiling.

The Sexiler

As the sexiler, your job is simple: keep it classy. You don’t want to make too big a deal out of such an uncomfortable situation, but at the same time, being too casual comes off as rude and inconsiderate. It’s awkward enough that you have to reveal to the person you live with that you’ll be doing the horizontal mamba right next to where she sleeps, and even more awkward that everyone who talks to your roommate might know the exact same thing. Approach the situation with tact and confidence, and follow our (not) patented three-step S.E.X. system:

S = Set rules. If you didn’t have this conversation with your roomie at the beginning of the year, well, you’re running a little behind, but don’t worry. There’s still time to talk to her and agree on rules, including but not limited to how long you can claim the room for, how to signal when you’re all done and (if you’re in modern housing) if the shower is in-bounds or not.

E = Early warning. Let your roommate know around what time she should expect to be vacating the room. Then send her a text (preferably a subtle one) about 10 minutes before you get in with your boo. There’s nothing more awkward than having to subtly boot your roommate out in front of the dude whose face is about to be all over yours. Don’t be that person. If it looks like things will take longer than you thought (go you!), give your roomie notice well in advance of when she intended to be back.

X = eXterminate the evidence. No condoms or condom wrappers in the bathroom trash or your roommate’s trash can. No errant pieces of clothing on the floor (or desks or bedposts or lamps or windowsills—you get the idea). Clean and put away any…ahem…accessories that may have entered into your fun time. Then, and only then, text your roommate and let her know it’s safe to return.

Finally, remember to R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Aretha style) your roommate’s space! Don’t get down and dirty on (or against or too close to) her bed, chair, desk or dresser. If you’re planning on making your pants party a regular thing, make sure you plan on dividing time roughly equally between your room and your partner’s. Daily lockouts are the very best way to lose a friend, and living with someone who dislikes you isn’t fun for anyone involved.

Also, protip: bribing/thanking your roommate with food is a definite do. Cookies are the best way to keep friends and influence people.

The Sexiled

First things first: don’t judge your roommate for her shenanigans. That’s just not nice. (It is, however, permissible to leave condoms on her pillow and cackle evilly to yourself. Encouraging safe sex is even better with a side of shameless teasing). Be respectful of her privacy. And don’t get too irritated. Remember: everyone is much, much nicer after an hour or so of topless tango, so it’s really in your best interest to let your roommate get her groove on.

So with that out of the way, what’s the best way to survive your stint in the Siberian wasteland that is the sexile? Use the three “P”s: place, planning and packing. (Don’t you love how all these tips are so easy to remember? We do!)

Place = Find a good place to curl up. Refuge is the most important part of sexile strategy. Yes, chilling in your common room is an option, but then you run the risk of airing your roommate’s dirty laundry (or lingerie, as the case may be) to your whole floor. Again: not nice. Are you a library studier? Fantastic! That’s where you’ll be chilling while your roommate gets some practical experience in anatomy. Don’t want to haul all the way to Olin Library? Hole up in a friend’s room.

Planning = Use your time productively. Every cloud has a silver lining, and sexile’s is a block of time when you can’t give in to the cruel seduction of your bed for naps. Set yourself a goal to accomplish during your banishment. Plan it carefully so you can come back to your roommate just as pleased with yourself as she will be with herself.

Packing = Remember, you cannot go back to your room. You have to bring everything you could possibly need for the next hour or two. Shoes. Coat. Hat. Keys. Books. Headphones. Snacks (definitely bring snacks). Blanket. Laptop. But pack smart. Don’t bring an excess of work if you’re planning on going straight home after you’re allowed back; there’s no point in hauling around a giant backpack for nothing. This is an important aspect of planning, really: know how much you want to get done, then bring exactly that much. Use the sexile with intelligence and efficiency.