Elliana Lilling | Staff Illustrator

MINER SPOILERS FOR A MINECRAFT MOVIE!!!

Nerd stuff is a part of culture where I am extremely comfortable (some of my friends would say too comfortable). My first ever StudLife article was about the Game of Thrones spinoff, “House of the Dragon.” I’m a 22-year-old white guy who spends hours listening to podcasts and reading articles about the current nerdy movies and shows and has a little too much stubble on his face every third day of the week.

And yet, despite all odds, I have never played Minecraft. 

That’s not totally true. I have “killed a sheep,” as one friend put it, but I haven’t fought the dragon or gotten the flying wingsuit (I thought this game was just about building houses.) Last Friday, I gave in and spent a little more than $20 (don’t worry that includes popcorn and a delicious cookie shake) to park my bum for 101 minutes in the front row of a packed theater to watch “A Minecraft Movie” (Not “the” but “a” — apparently that is a key distinction.)

My closest point of reference was another under-two-hour film made for kids, their parents, and those in their mid-20s somehow already desperate for a nostalgia hit: the 2023 “The Super Mario Bros. Movie.” Apparently, there are also Sonic movies now, too. I haven’t seen them, but I sure hope they are better than their initial photos. 

My experience watching Super Mario Bros. was great, I thought the plot was funny (the songs were amazing), and the characters were incredible. Nintendo box office earnings were so high, I’ll bet that they have secretly signed Chris Pratt (who voices Mario) to a contract that would keep him with the studio until they make Super Mario Bros. 9 set to release in 2043 (probably) — where Mario has to re-discover the joy of youth while in assisted living. 

Plot-wise, “A Minecraft Movie” was everything and nothing — A profound, rancorous statement about values that I cannot exactly put my finger on because they were so watered down. It had the tropes anyone able to do their multiplication tables should expect: A random evil character and a main evil minion (Malgosha and Chungus, respectively) working to try and defeat the protagonist whose friend/mentor dies but magically comes back. 

But this movie knows exactly what it is: stay tuned for Jennifer Coolidge’s (Vice Principal Marlene) plot arc, as well as Jack Black (who plays Steve) and Jason Mamoa’s (Garrett) flying technique. At one point, Mamoa tells Sebastian Eugene Hansen, (who plays Henry) — and also starred in the much more noteworthy and powerful book-turned-film “Just Mercy” (talk about serious range) — to pull the tentacles of the flying Ghast just right so that they can steer it away from danger. Henry does so perfectly, causing ooey, gooey lava to splooge from the Ghast’s mouth.

In the theater, the kids laughed at the physical comedy, and the adults at the obvious entendre. It was similar when Coolidge hits a villager with her car (and the audience over the head with product placement) and exclaims “Oh my god, I hit you with my Jeep Cherokee.”

The writing is perfect brain rot, some people are going to say it was awful, and yeah, if you are someone who takes Minecraft movie dialogue seriously, I could see why you’d think that. My favorite line was “First we mine, then we craft, let’s Minecraft.” But come on: Jack Black announcing Minecraft items and randomly bursting into song, Jason Mamoa playing a washed-up-has-been in a wacky outfit, and Jenifer Coolidge … vibing with a villager — can we count this as a win for the tribe? 

Yes, I watched this in the front row, and I did so with five of my teammates from Contraband (the B-team for men’s frisbee), who all grew up as diehard Minecraft fans. (I challenge anyone to think of a more accurate descriptor of a WashU B-team men’s frisbee player.) They freaked out when a pig with a crown walked across the screen, and laughed uncontrollably at Jack Black saying, “Flint and Steel,” or “Chicken Jockey” (although not as much as some other theaters did).

Behind us was a row of a dozen 8- or 9-year-old boys fully reclining, eyes riveted to the screen, and one dad who sat straight up the entire time. The. Entire. Time. It was the ideal environment. Proof that one day when we look back, “A Minecraft Movie”  could be to Gen Alpha what Shrek has become for Gen Z. 

Not sure what else there is to say. If you want to have a blast at the theater, put on your diamond armor, toss an ender pearl, and grab your gummies for even more fun at “A Minecraft Movie.”