You know, the one behind Kingsbury. Where the Washington University Police Department patrols and garbage is collected. It’s a veritable hallmark of student living here at Wash. U., renowned for it’s beauty and culture. I say we occupy it. Everyone else is occupying things these days. Let’s take it for our own and turn it into some glorious hippie shantytown. Chances are the tents have nicer floors than Roberts Realty buildings. We can cook squirrels over trash fires! It will give us a chance to be one with nature, to come together as a community and to show the permanent residents of Ames Place how committed we are to our neighborhood.

Isn’t the Occupy movement for the disgruntled 99 percent? Yes, it is. But we can easily turn ourselves into a really intimidating 99 percent. So why are we disgruntled? Because we are students. What do we hate? Everything. Let’s grow our collective beards, don eyeglasses with prescription-less lenses and flex our Occupy muscles. Put one car at the entrance on Kingsland, another at the entrance on Melville and let’s shut it down. Sure, no one will be able to drive to and from their apartments in the alley, but we’re Occupiers. We bike, because cars are a product of the corporate American machine that suffocates us each and every day with their subliminal advertising and their lobbyists and…Why can we do this? Because it’s a movement, and, apparently, movements these days don’t need a purpose.

I was never initially opposed to the Occupy Wall Street movement. It seemed reasonable that the jobless would be upset at the uneven distribution of wealth in this country. They have every right to protest. But as the occupying has spread from Wall Street to other areas across the country, I have stopped considering it valid. The more news coverage the movement receives, the more ridiculous it appears. There’s no cohesion, there’s no clear goal. It seems more like a way for those without jobs to congregate and pass their days, compiling all their misery into one shapeless, directionless “Maury” special.

I’m not bashing unemployment. It’s too high right now. But to say that sitting around Zucotti Park bothering bankers that work very hard for their money is a productive way of getting jobs back is ridiculous. You know what would help you get a job? Actively searching for one. The Occupy movement doesn’t seem to be addressing the problem of wealth discrepancy. More likely, it seems to be annoyed with the fact that Goldman Sachs is there at all. They aren’t raising awareness; they are getting mocked and are trivializing the issue at hand.

So as I sit here, with my butt comfortably occupying my couch, thinking about the wonders that could come from occupying the alley behind my apartment, I realize it’s a ridiculous idea. But that’s OK, because we’d have more valid reasons than those occupying the park in front of the Jimmy John’s in Bloomington, Ind. right? There’s too much mayo on your sandwiches! Please put less mayo on the sandwiches so I can go home to my wife and child and take a damn shower! Otherwise I will continue to play hacky sack in a fruitless effort to either inconvenience you or prove a point. Whichever comes first.