Charlie Wang | Staff Illustrator

It’s easy to acknowledge that the idea of living with someone tends to be more exciting than the actual fact of it. It’s harder to refuse to room with the coolest girl who has an insanely beautiful Instagram feed (in the case of the ambitious incoming student who got accepted to WashU a week ago and has already parasocially stalked the perfect aesthetic match) or your best friend of three months, whom you’ve spent every single day with since you met them in a club (in the case of the rising sophomore).

As someone with sensory issues, I have made the mistake of acquiescing to a roommate who was bubbly, fun to hang out with, and had wonderful taste in decor, but who didn’t honor my needs. We paired up within a week of Early Decision 1 after riffing off each other in a 40-person group chat, having never met. Our cursory phone call that night covered the basics:

How clean are you? “Oh, you know… I’m not like, insanely clean, but I’m not filthy, either.” Are you a morning person or a night owl? “Definitely not a morning person. I go to sleep at a pretty average time, I think…”

Gorgeous non-answers! The first time we ever spoke verbally, we were terrified of disappointing each other’s expectations and shattering the illusion of a great match. I downplayed my sensitivities and she downplayed her proclivities towards loud activities, bright lights, and coming home late from parties or the studio.

So…

1. Be honest about your limits and preferences — both to Prospective Roomie and to yourself.

It can be difficult to identify what exactly bothers you off the top of your head. Consider taking some time to brainstorm or keeping a running list that you can add to when you notice something bothering you. Everyone has different sensitivities: sound, sight, textures, smells, etc. 

To be honest, you probably won’t find someone with the exact same needs as you, so it’s best to focus your efforts on identifying your own and communicating them clearly. “Hearing someone chew their food from across the room makes me want to shoot up out of my chair and commit violence” is not the same as “mouth sounds bother me sometimes.”

2. Figure out how each of you can work to meet each other’s needs.

If both of you understand each other’s sensitivities, and it feels like they could be compatible, you should discuss, in a practical way, how to avoid causing the other discomfort. It is worth mentioning that, unfortunately, some people simply will not cooperate, because they don’t respect your needs. Involve RAs and other residential resources if necessary.

Maybe one person can’t handle the fluorescent overhead light in the morning or the evening. Easy fix: Look into getting table/floor lamps that will provide enough light to see, but are localized (e.g. on the desk) or gentle.

Or maybe one person is sensitive to overwhelming smells. The other can spray their floral perfume in another room.

These seem so simple on paper, but laying them out beforehand can help the solutions feel concrete and possible, especially if you aren’t a fan of confrontation. You will likely have to enforce a boundary or remind your roommate of a sensitivity, however, or even discuss one that you hadn’t thought of before or that you recently developed.

3. Remember that having sensory issues does not make you annoying, needy, or nagging.

Though it can feel like you are being a nuisance explaining something that your roommate has never considered or experienced, you are actually being communicative and mature. I’m here to remind you of that. It’s especially easy to feel like a weirdo in college, where you’re removed from the context you grew up in and are suddenly surrounded by a million people who live differently from you. 

Try to bring things up as they are happening in order to avoid building up resentment. Again, when someone doesn’t live in your brain with the same reactions as you, they can forget, and you aren’t a bad person for reminding them. It can be as easy as, “Do you mind putting headphones on to watch that TV show?”

Speaking of…

4. Get a pair of noise-canceling headphones and/or earplugs if you don’t already have them.

Magnificent invention for all of humanity, sensory issues or not. Especially if things end up going south, you may end up needing to block the world out while lying in your bed like a mummy. It happens. Next year, you’ll pick a better roommate.