Holidays just wouldn’t be holidays without the quintessential passive-aggressive family debate, and Thanksgiving is no exception. If you’re looking for something other than the big orange elephant in the room to talk about, the Forum staff is here to help you out.

None of us have anything in common

*Fork scrapes plate* “So, how about the weather in St. Louis? *Serving spoon clatters against porcelain dish* “Did you see the latest episode of ‘The Great British Bake Off?’” *Your uncle loudly coughs* “Have you been to the quilting store lately?” *The family antique 1925 French white wine clatters, then shatters against the marble floor* “God, I hate the suburbs.” *Rogue bird slams into the window and falls to its immediate death* “Why can’t they just immigrate legally?” *You hear a gobble. The turkey starts screaming*
—Elena Quinones, Staff Writer

OK, Grandma, now you say which article of impeachment you’re most thankful for

There’s nothing that says ‘family bonding’ like a lively discussion of the foreign emoluments clause. Luckily, Democrats in the House of Representatives have just presented five articles for the impeachment of President Donald Trump, providing you with the perfect jumping-off point for a fun conversation about obstruction of justice! Between bites of mashed potato, teach your younger relatives about the importance of an independent judiciary. Remember, joyful holiday memories fade away like tears in rain but respect for vital democratic institutions lasts forever. If you’re interested in an even more nuanced and informative Thanksgiving dinner, try talking about the difficulty of impeaching a president whose political party not only has control of the House and Senate but is also characterized by naked self-interest and a shocking lack of basic human compassion. Don’t forget to lighten the mood afterward by sharing your favorite presidential tweets!
—Jen McLish, Staff Writer

Who you voted for in the 2016 presidential election

OK, I know it’s been a year, but this has to still be a touchy subject for families. At my Thanksgiving last year, a couple broke up because one half of it hadn’t voted for Hillary Clinton. You might think I’m joking, but this actually happened. But, you know, I’ve gotten a lot of good laughs out of the situation for the last year. So, maybe the best thing you can hope for at Thanksgiving is actually a touchy conversation that turns into a drawn out battle between two parties. Maybe, if you get lucky, someone will start a food fight by slinging their sweet potato casserole against the wall.
— Ella Chochrek, Editor-in-Chief

Why certain people shouldn’t be allowed to cook for Thanksgiving

This holiday is supposed to be about togetherness, family and not the genocide of Native Americans, as it was so rudely explained to me last year. But sometimes, a family needs to come together and tell that one aunt that she can’t bring food anymore. I don’t care if she has always made the dressing; it looks like a blended Happy Meal that was baked for too long to achieve a consistent color. People always get touchy about traditions around the holiday and everyone always says “wait until next year.” I will not spend another November taking three spoonfuls of food, eating around it and, then, when no one is looking, throwing it away with the bottom of the plate facing upward, so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
—Matthew Wallace, Staff Writer

The damn Boston Red Sox

“Agh, those bums.” “Did we really even think they had a chance this year? Pedroia’s washed up. Xander couldn’t hit a beach ball in the ALDS.” “And what the hell happened to Sale? He was the Cy Young frontrunner until his pitching went to hell in the last month and a half of the season.” “Yeah, I saw Mookie Betts is in the World Series of Bowling—it’s the only World Series he’ll be in any time soon.” “Alex Cora had better be the savior we all hope he is, or I’m gonna lose my mind.”
Oh, and the fact that, you know, the world is collapsing before our eyes might come up, too.
— Sean Lundergan, Staff Writer

The conflict between Louis XI of France and Charles the Bold

In the mid-fifteenth century, Louis XI of France was trying to reassert royal authority in the wake of the height of the 100 Years War; however, the dukes and counts of the realm were doing their best to prevent this from happening. This conflict began with the war of the public weal when almost every noble in France joined together in revolt, but after a hard-fought affair, Louis was able to keep power but only just. Later, Charles, the duke of Burgundy and the most powerful noble in France, began extending his authority outside of his duchy and outside of France in an attempt to rebuild the old kingdom of Lotharingia. Tensions were high between the king and would-be king, and another war was fought for the fate of France and Lotharingia. Isn’t this more interesting than some small talk between some people you haven’t seen in a year?
— Josh Zucker, Staff Writer

The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky

The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! The supporting joist next to the bathroom in my apartment do a creaky! It do a squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.
— Ethan Jaynes, Staff Writer

One time Jeff Sessions and Sean Hannity hugged in front of me, and it was weird

Last October, I had the unique opportunity of being able to go into spin alley—the area for journalists to speak to representatives—after the presidential debate on campus. I walked around, took some Facebook live videos for the Student Life page, minded my own business. While filming Jeff Sessions (then a senator from Alabama, now the U.S. attorney general), two gigantic hands reached around his tiny shoulders and wrapped him in a warm embrace. Sessions—startled, but overjoyed—turned and met the affectionate gaze of conservative political commentator Sean Hannity. After a heated moment, Hannity turned to the camera and proclaimed Sessions to be one of the greatest senators in the US Senate along with “Mike Lee, Ted Cruz, and Senator Rubio” and asked “did I forget anyone?” This Thanksgiving, my plan is to just blurt out “I saw Jeff Sessions and Sean Hannity hug” in the middle of the turkey-slicing ceremony and proceed to list off my most favorite three cousins out of the nine options: “Bobby, Michael and Carolyn…did I forget anyone?” I’m hoping the lack of context stokes fiery debates about Which Republican is the Worst Republican and Which Cousin is the Best Cousin amongst my northeastern family members and gives me just enough time to slink down the stairs to sit on the couch in peace. (If you’d like to dig through the archives on our Facebook page and find the video, be my guest, but please know that viewer discretion is advised for off-the-charts levels of intimacy.)
— Aidan Strassmann, Senior Forum Editor