After a semester of waiting, we’re finally going to find out who’s performing at WILD this week. There’s a good chance that some (probably most) of the student body will be disappointed with the choice because, well, that’s what always happens unless Beyonce is the one performing.
But before we know for sure, here’s who we wish we could see gracing the WILD stage—take note for next fall, Social Programming Board!

Miley Cyrus:

Basically, everyone on the Student Life staff knows that I REALLY like Miley Cyrus. Like, I like her enough that if you played me a snippet from one of her songs, I could tell you immediately which album it was on—and that includes “Can’t Be Tamed.” There are a lot of different artists who could be brought in for WILD, but who could be better than Hannah Montana herself?
—Ella Chochrek, Editor-in-Chief

Lil Dicky again:

Obviously the greatest artist of our generation. Everyone LOVES his music. Why not have him back for round two? What could possibly go wrong?
— Tyler Sabloff, Staff Writer

The St. Louis Symphony Orchestra:

By my calculations, a symphonic group has never headlined Washington University’s premier music event. Considering that one of the most decorated symphony orchestras in these here United States is located just next door, this seems like a terrible oversight. Think about this: WILD actually stands for Walk in, Lay Down, but how often are people actually laying down at the event? Well, on purpose at least. However, it is generally considered improper to mosh during symphonic performances; so, people would get to actually sit down during WILD for once! Imagine the scene as thousands of Wash. U. students stream into Brookings Quadrangle, fresh from the darty of their choice. They slowly take their seats on the grass as conductor David Robertson and the orchestra tune up. Then, instead of drunkenly jumping into each other for an hour before being reported to Emergency Support Team, we all get to actually relax for once in our manic Wash. U. lives and sit for a little bit and listen to whatever it is the symphony decides to play. I personally think that would be lovely.
— Jon Lewis, Senior Sports Editor

Bon Iver:

We want some danceable music that’ll get our bodies moving. Bon Iver fits this perfectly. There’s no better feeling than moshing to “Skinny Love” while everyone in the back sobs and sings along. Truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
— Dorian DeBose, Contributing Writer

Spotify’s “Life Sucks” playlist:

WILD falls on the last day of classes for the semester, serendipitously also the day you’ll most heavily feel the weight of your various blunders and failures from the past four months. Those stupid assignments you blew off mid-February? Yeah, you’re going to be feeling that missing grade when you need to get a 104 on the final to get an A in the class. What better way to really just intensify and deepen those feelings of self-loathing then with the “Life Sucks” playlist? Its description on Spotify reads “feeling like everything just plain sucks? We’ve all been there. These songs will probably only make you feel worse, but at least they’ll let you know you’re not alone.” And if you’re listening to it at WILD, you really won’t be alone, because you’ll be surrounded by one thousand of your closest friends!
— Aidan Strassmann, Managing Editor

Katy Perry circa 2012:

By now I’m sure many of you know of my deep love for Katy Perry, but these days it gets harder and harder to be a fan of hers. I want to go back to the glory days of Katy Perry, the days of “Teenage Dream,” “Firework” and especially “E.T. featuring Kanye West.” I want to Katy Perry at her height perform for WILD. Maybe “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy,” Kanye West will come out for what is somehow simultaneously his worst and best verse. I won’t have to worry about all the problematic stuff that Katy’s done in the past few years or the fact that “Witness” is an objectively bad album, I can just enjoy the nostalgia of Perry in her prime.
— Josh Zucker, Staff Writer

White noise machine:

Sleep-promoting. Actually, makes sense to Walk In and Lay Down. No one to see; so, no internal injuries when everyone pushes towards the stage.
— Katy Hutson, Senior Scene Editor

Willie & Robert Reale:

Who better to take the WILD stage than the creators of the critically-acclaimed 2003 children’s musical “A Year with Frog and Toad?” The brothers Reale hit every mark when it comes to potentially great WILD performances: a song about woodland creatures body-shaming an anthropomorphic toad? Check. An epic series of songs about a shelled gastropod that moonlights as an excitable postal worker? Check. Folks of Social Programming Board, you don’t need to look any further—the creators of the musical adaption of the beloved Arnold Lobel children’s book will satisfy your every WILD need.
— Ethan Jaynes, Staff Writer