Dear Nic Cage,

Do you know that you won an Oscar? Because judging by your most recent releases, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” “Season of the Witch,” and this Friday’s latest “Drive Angry 3D,” it seems like you misplaced your gold statuette.

I know you’ve had some problems with the IRS lately, and you need the money. But, instead of lending your voice to a character in “G-Force,” maybe next time you can let Leo DiCaprio outbid you on that Tarbosaurus skull and save a good $276,000.

It’s pretty obvious that “Wickerman” started the downward spiral. Not that I’ve ever seen the whole thing. I mean, aside from the hilarious and informative YouTube clips, no one has. Maybe the critical thrashing made you insecure in your role choosing abilities.

But, I am here to remind you, at one point in time, you were on the A-List. Roger Ebert once compared you to the acting elite: “There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson, and Pacino, usually. How often do you see Nicholas Cage? He should be up there.”

“Raising Arizona” defined my childhood. “Leaving Las Vegas,” “Moonstruck,” “Adaptation.” All great performances. Hell, “City of Angels,” gave us that awesome Goo Goo Dolls song.

I’m going to suggest two rules that you should consider.
1. No magic. Maybe go back and try the whole pure action movie thing. “The Rock”, “Face / Off,” “Gone and Sixty Seconds.” They all worked, and in no role did you ever teach or use witchcraft. Or maybe even those family dramatic-comedy with “man” in the title; “The Weather Man;” “Matchstick Men;” “The Family Man.” I would watch any of those on an airplane.
2. No sequels. Granted, the only sequel you’ve ever made was “National Treasure 2: Books of Secrets,” and if weren’t for your current monetary crisis, I would also be asking for my $8 back, but I’m thinking no one is going to want to see “Season of the Witch 2”.

If you can steal the Declaration of Indepence, break into and out of Alcatraz, and work with Charlie Kaufman, you can bounce back from this.

Sincerely,
Steph Spera
P.S. How did it get burned?