Hello illustrious members of the left-wing education conspiracy machine. I’ve heard that some of you are interested in attending the communist love-in sponsored by Jon Stewart on Oct. 30. Poppycock! Stewart is advocating a dangerous position—rational, moderated inquiry. That’s not the position I take when I think of America. Stewart may love America a respectful amount, but I hardcore love America (only in the missionary position though). We don’t need socialist admonishments on speaking rationally. We need patriotic speeches delivered straight from the gut, where all good thoughts come from and many bad foods go.

Wash. U., like America, has many problems. As I look around this campus, I see students glued to textbooks, expecting something useful to come out of reading. General Chemistry never got people anywhere; general panic got us pretty damn far though. Just think, without panicking over the Reds beating us to the moon we would never have faked the moon landing. Not only has our country prospered under the watchful gaze of fear, but fear also birthed America. Would America have ever declared independence from Britain if we weren’t afraid of outrageous tea prices? How would Halloween have turned out had the Salem Witch trials never occurred? Without fear of witches, the movie Hocus Pocus would have never been made, and who would want to live in that America?

Stewart would like you to believe that we are living in troubled times. In Stewart’s world, our media outlets ignore issues of national importance and extremists control our country’s narrative. He couldn’t be any less correct. The constant coverage of the Tea Party makes me proud to turn on Fox News every day. Thanks to these allegedly ‘troubled’ media outlets I know the importance of GTL (gym/tan/laundry, for all you uncouth miscreants) and how to fist pump like the Situation and Pauly D. Don’t take part in Jon Stewart’s socialist quilt-making bonanza. Come to the March to Keep Fear Alive on Oct. 30. It’ll be an incredible Halloween party just like Bauhaus, but you don’t have to get a ticket.