It was hard enough for me to grasp the fact that there are incoming Washington University students who were actually born in the 1990s, and now here I am, facing runner-up on “American Idol” David Archuleta, who is part of that crowd. But, even harder to come to terms with than his birth date, Archuleta is a high schooler who just put out his eponymous first album. Right about now is when we can start to feel lazy and unproductive.

Let’s not go that far yet; little Archie has made initial attempts at songwriting and musical arrangements and has written at least three songs, but that hardly makes him a musical Einstein. He may have won the 2008 Teen Choice Award for most fanatic fans (aren’t all fans technically fanatic?) and best smile, but he is still a 17-year-old boy who sings music made by other producers and songwriters. Whether this warrants admiration is for you and all of his 12-year-old girl groupies to decide.

The first single to come from his album was “Crush,” in August. It did not climb, but rather leaped to the top of iTunes charts within the first 24 hours of its release. It is definitely catchy, but his youthful innocence undoubtedly dominates. All you can hear is the angst of a sexually-confused pubescent, pining for his main squeeze. He is backed by a solid rhythm-and-blues beat and a bit of clapping, but it happens to be repetitive and when it finally breaks into the chorus, the dullness of the standard poppy refrain makes me want to change the track as fast as I can. It is one of those songs that you could have sworn you have heard before, but no, surprise! It just came out a couple months ago (but happens to have the exact same melody and rhythm of at least 20 other top 40 songs).

In “Touch My Hand,” he speaks to his young fan base, asking them to “reach out as far as [they] can” and touch his hand. No wonder his fans are fanatics: They are girls in love. In “My Hands,” he actually goes as far as to ask his chosen girl to “hold on” rather than just touch his hands. This is a crucial distinguishing factor, because now he wants the relationship to progress. How risqué! I can see how his catchy boy band melodies could instigate not only the swaying and/or head bopping of a prepubescent audience, but maybe some weakening of the knees or flurrying of butterflies in the stomach as well.

I was pretty excited at the beginning of “Barriers” as it began with a promisingly unique beat, but within the first 45 seconds, he was back into the groove of his pop as usual. He does begin to talk about worldly problems though, instead of just the torment of his love life, which is commendable. Archie has a foggy, soulful R&B-type voice, but his crooning sounds like a boy-band member without his band.

All I can imagine when listening to this album (if you can even call it that) is unicorn glitter sprinkled over hysterically-screaming teenage girls as he seemingly speaks directly to each and every one of them. “You Can” is a perfect example: Fans’ dreams come true as he asks them to “Save me from myself, you can. And it’s you and no one else…’Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can.” Let’s just hope he doesn’t turn 18 before he finds his adolescent love.

The album is horribly bland. With the exception of “Your Eyes Don’t Lie” which incorporates a smidge of whistling, and “Don’t Let Go” which is faintly edgier with the collaboration of ’N Sync’s JC Chasez, Archie’s beautiful voice goes to waste. For the lovey-dovey lyrics, his voice is too innocent. His cover of Robbie Williams’ “Angels” is perhaps the star of the album as he really stretches his voice and sings with more emotion. He is almost a tease to these poor girls as he sings these lyrics that seemingly come directly from him, when in all actuality, he is just another 17-year-old boy who is wonderfully vocally gifted, but is clueless in every sense of the word.

All I know is that this album has no place among today’s pop: He may be fulfilling 13-year-old girls’ wholesome romantic aspirations, but we want to hear the passion and emotion in songs that are his own, not arranged by random people who think they’re hotshots. When you start writing your own songs, Archie, let us know.