How startling, another part of Washington University has been named after a wealthy white family. To be honest, we didn’t even really know it was possible to rename things so willy-nilly. Now that we know that the topic is on the table, we have a few other name changes we would like to suggest.

Washington University in St. Louis to Danforth University

The confusion surrounding the name Wash. U. is irritating and unnecessary. Why is a school in the middle of the Midwest named after George Washington? There is no historical significance to tie old George to Wash. U. and his name as the name of the University makes us feel so entirely generic. It is the boring, unoriginality of our name that leads to the confusion as way too many other places exist with Washington in their name. I suggest this be remedied by changing the name to Danforth University. The Danforth family has donated enough money to have an absurd amount of spaces be named after them, just go ahead and give them the whole university. It’s less confusing and also just sounds much more prestigious than the generic, unidentifying name we have now.
—Lauren Alley, Senior Forum Editor

Student Life to The Washington Post

“Student Life” just makes no sense. It sounds like some sort of student activities or campus life office, not a newspaper. It’s not even specific to Wash. U.—there are students everywhere! We need to shift to something bold, something that makes a statement, something unique to our university: The Washington Post. No one’s thought of that yet, right?
—Rohan Gupta, Senior Sports Editor

The Swamp to Levi-Montalcini field (LM field or just “the LM” for short)

The Swamp does not resemble an actual swamp in any way, shape or form. You want to see a swamp? Go watch “Shrek,” folks. That’s a swamp, nice boulders and all. Rita Levi-Montalcini, meanwhile, was an incredible scientist at this institution who should be celebrated every opportunity we get. More to the point, “Swamp Creature Friends” might be scrapped if we do this, and that’s the ultimate prize.
—Sam Seekings, Editor-in-Chief

Francis Olympic Stadium to “Francis Olympic Stadium where the 1904 Olympics were hosted during the 1904 Olympics where Olympic sports were competed during the Olympics cause it was Olympics that were hosted at Wash. U. in 1904. BTW it was the Olympics”

Did you know the 1904 Olympics were hosted at Wash. U.? Cause they were.
—Tyler Sabloff, Senior Forum Editor

Mallinckrodt Center to Subway Station

Get it? Because there’s a Subway restaurant inside? And subway trains arrive at stations? Really though, the number one reason students go to Mallinckrodt is to waste their meal points at Subway, and its name should reflect that. Disclaimer: I am legally obligated to disclose that I personally would benefit from this change, as I have an embarrassingly hard time spelling “Mallinckrodt” correctly. #advertisement #ad #sponsored
—Aidan Strassmann, Managing Editor

Lopata Hall to (a continuation) of Urbauer Hall

When classes are held in both Lopata Hall and Lopata House, there is bound to be confusion among students. I’ve had classes in both, and one poor student always shows up 15 minutes late on the first day, panting, apologizing profusely. Can we please change the name of one of them? Lopata Hall is attached to Urbauer Hall (which is also confusing), so just change the whole building name to Urbauer. Problem solved.
—Anjali Vishwanath, Social Media Director

McMillan Cafe to McMillan Lounge

It is honestly difficult to form into words the disappointment felt when walking into McMillan Cafe to learn that it is not a cafe at all. No food, no drinks. The room used to serve as a lunchroom but is now a seating area used for a variety of different meetings and performances. Still, the name remains the same. And I’m still hungry.
—Jaden Satenstein, Senior Scene Editor

McKelvey School of Engineering to the McKel or Kelvey School of Engineering

When you say “The McKelvey School of Engineering” out loud, something seems awry. If you think about it, there really should be one less syllable to make engineering really fit in with the other Wash. U. schools. O-lin, Sam-Fox, Art-Sci, Med-school, Buh-rown, WU-STL—what do these things all have in common? They’re all two syllables, therefore it really makes more sense to say the Kelvey School of Engineering.
—Josh Zucker, Senior Cadenza Editor

Anheuser-Busch Hall to Natty Light Hall

I know, I know. Anheuser-Busch is a St. Louis institution. Blah, blah, blah. But if we want to name things after an alcohol that the student body actually partakes in, why not Natural (Natty) Light?
—Ella Chochrek, Director of Special Projects