Junior Kach Zram, former editor-in-chief of Student Life, went on a run this past weekend and has yet to return.

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“We knew he kind of hated this job, being head of the StudLife family,” Samantha Feet, copy chief of Student Life, said while dabbing at her dry eyes with a handkerchief. “But I didn’t think he’d just get up and leave us with Morgana the Sea Witch at the helm. We have standards. He had standards.”

Other members of the Washington University Student Media community described changes in Zram’s behavior leading up to the disappearance. Sophomore Billy Chemiso from KWUR stated that this behavior was both “totally unlike him” and “surprisingly cool.”

“He asked me to do coke with him and also to say ‘motherf—– s— ball sac’ three times in unison. He got really fun, basically,” Chemiso said.

Members of the Washington University community will not search for Zram, knowing that he is quite capable of surviving days without sleep and taking shelter under newspapers.

“Of course we’re worried,” freshman copy editor Zayn Malik said. “But he knows how to handle himself—he was secretary of the running club, which requires a lot of responsibility and self-care.”

After attempting to reach him by text message, Facebook message and satellite phone, Student Life staff members came to the conclusion that he would be attempting a run of “Forrest Gump” proportions.

“I think I saw him in Forest Park!” Micheller Merliner, former editor-in-chief of Student Life, said.

“Was that Zram in Seattle?” Saheel Pateel, former editor-in-chief of Student Life, asked.

“The Zramster sure is a fast runner. There was some roadrunner stuff going on in the Grand Canyon, last I heard,” Michael Tabby, former editor-in-chief of Student Life, said.

Zram, who had been known for his pristine morals and disgusting water bottle maintenance, could always be seen running around campus on non-production days, his mane flowing through the wind.

Student Life staff plans to hold a memorial for Zram’s morals and judgment on Thursday at 11 a.m. All are welcome to attend. Running attire is suggested.