There’s nothing quite like a song-and-dance number at the end of a comedy. Personally, I go into every comedy expecting one, craving one. The kicked-up heels, the synchronized dancing, I want it all. Most movies don’t satisfy my needs. I’ve become a bit of a multiplex nomad, wandering deep into the mid-afternoon for the perfect send-off. I usually leave, dejected, wondering why all of the song-and-dance numbers have been forgone.

But I most certainly have not forgotten them. The best ones usually have the whole cast and crew in it. You get to appreciate the entire production in a few minutes of guilty sing-song pleasure. The only other time you’d get to see the cast and crew is in the credits, and by that time, you’re usually out of the theater, aren’t you? Sucking on that post-movie mint. You don’t need the calories; stay in and watch everyone let loose.

A song-and-dance number at the end of a comedy is like a less awkward curtain call. The actors aren’t actually there, so I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings if I don’t applaud when Business Man No. 6 takes his bow. It’s a great chance to remember all the fun times from the previous hour and a half. Take the great example at the end of “There’s Something About Mary,” where the cast lip-syncs to The Foundations’ “Build Me Up Buttercup.” The entire movie is played out in the span of three minutes, and there’s nothing quite like seeing the hulked-out Brett Favre dancing like a giddy robot.

Of course, most comedies aren’t even good. But can you guess the secret to making them better? Add a song-and-dance number to the end (I may have telegraphed that one…). Consider “Night at the Museum,” Ben Stiller’s “comedy” where the exhibits in the Smithsonian come to life. Um, yeah. Any hope for a decent chortle seems lost until the final minutes, when everybody starts dancing to “September.” By this point, I may loathe every single character in the movie, but I have to admit, Earth, Wind and Fire are pretty rad.

And remember, when you want to save a crappy movie, the song choice is important, but the execution is key. I performed a variety of experiments in order test my hypothesis. Allow me to introduce the “Jackie Chan Constant.” Jackie Chan loves to end his movies with cringe-inducing bloopers set to songs, but every now and then, he’ll start dancing along to the tune, and occasionally, he’ll sing with it, too.

With the “JCC” firmly in hand, I now turn my attention to two horrendous Jackie Chan movies: “Rush Hour 3” and “The Tuxedo.” At the end of “Rush Hour 3,” Jackie and Chris Tucker simultaneously punch a French cop in the face. Then the two smile and dance the movie out to “War” by Edwin Starr. It’s a goofy take on riding into the sunset, but it’s also fairly offensive. Not great.

On the other hand, Jackie Chan dances with James Brown at the end of “The
Tuxedo.” Again, I repeat, he literally dances with the legendary soul singer. For all I know, the entire movie may have been a gaping black hole of comedy, but for three disco ball-heavy seconds, I do not care, because I am in love with Jackie Chan all over again.

You know, I never under-stood why people always say, “Never judge a book by its cover.” It’s not that the adage is incorrect; it’s too vague. Obviously, you should never judge a book by its front cover, but the back cover is where it’s at. Think about it: If the back end wasn’t so damn awesome, why would you ever come back for seconds?