Before we begin, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rigoberto and I’m your average penis. For most of my life, I’ve belonged to a nice Jewish boy named Walter. Walter is great. I’ve been a happy camper for most of my life.

Hey ladies—how often do you find yourselves sitting in a circle, remarking about the differences between various lovers’ penises? Well, for me, this happens quite often (don’t be scared, boys!). No matter how many lovers we have, it seems, a penis is always a novelty. By novelty, I am not referring to Freud’s infamous “penis envy” or “castration complex” constructions.