The National Football League is filled with big scary men who could smite me if they pleased. There is not a single NFL player who I think I can beat in single combat. Like all professional athletes, pro football players are superhuman deities who have more in common with Hercules than me. However, some of them are also cuddly-wuddly widdle pooh bears whose cheeks I just wanna pinch. As we head into the home stretch of the NFL season, I’m breaking down my picks for the NFL All-Adorable Team.

QB: Kyler Murray

One of the biggest knocks on Murray coming out of college was that his hands were too tiny. This could have stopped him from getting a good grip on the pigskin. But those itty-bitty baby hands were the right size to grip my heart.

via All-Pro Reels / Creative Commons

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray grasps the football as he drops back to pass.

RB: Giovani Bernard

Bernard has mostly been a backup running back this year for the Cincinnati Bengals, but he chose to grow out a mustache that would make Dick Dastardly proud. There’s nothing more adorable than a grown man in 2020 cosplaying as a railroad tycoon. 

Wide Receiver: D.J. Chark

Chark is a good receiver, but nothing about his on-field production has gotten him on the list. No, the cadence of his name is what makes D.J. Chark adorable. It fits the rhythm of “baby shark” perfectly. As such, he is my nephew’s favorite NFL player.

Tight End: Travis Kelce

There’s a logjam of adorable NFL tight ends, but I’ve got to give the nod to the one that my late grandma referred to as “my boyfriend.” 

Jeffrey Beall / Creative Commons

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce on the sidelines without a helmet.

Tackle: Jason Peters

Peters is no longer the all-pro caliber mauler who tormented pass-rushers in the NFC East during the early 2010s. Now, he’s just a smiley, burly ol’ veteran. I’d let him hug me, but that’d be another holding penalty.

Guard: Quenton Nelson

There’s a video of an enormous baby bouncing on his helpless father’s back. The baby looks like any other infant, outside of his unbelievable size. In this metaphor, Quenton Nelson is that big baby and NFL defensive linemen are his dad. 

Center: Jason Kelce

The 2017 Eagles were perhaps the most adorable team to have ever existed, and Kelce was perhaps the most adorable member of the bunch. He’s got an attitude that makes you smile and a face that makes you say, “goochie goochie goo.”

Defensive Line: Aaron Donald

Machoke is a cute pokemon. It’s a 4’11 powerlifter. I like to imagine there being a tiny gym where Machokes all go to lift weights. It’s an adorable image. But canonically, Machokes are also scary strong. Unbelievably powerful creatures. Aaron Donald is a Machoke. He’s got a face that I can imagine singing “Animal Crackers in My Soup” but a body crafted to break his opponents’ spirits.

Linebacker: Leighton Vander Esch

Full disclosure: This isn’t even about Leighton Vander Esch. He just reminds me of Luke Kuechly, who would have been on this list if he hadn’t retired last season. The NFL’s most adorable linebackers walk away at the peak of their cuteness. Kuechly had another three to four years as the best or most adorable linebacker when he called it quits. Chris Borland was still in the process of early 20s balding when he hung up his cleats. In their absence, we’re left with a dearth of adorable linebackers. But I shouldn’t fixate on the past when the present is before us. Bobby Wagner has nice waves, I guess?

Defensive Back: Tyrann Mathieu

They call this man “the honey badger.” I know it’s because honey badgers are supposed to be fearless animals, but I think that’s cute as hell. Look at him running around all recklessly. Go get the honey, Tyrann!

There’s plenty of adorable NFL players who aren’t on this list. Really, there’s an abundance of them. 90% of offensive linemen seem like teddy bears. But while there’s room for disagreement, this is my list and I’m sticking to it.