Mort Mertgang | Again

A men’s basketball player dressed in the Washington University bear suit tells protesters of the Wash. U. mascot exactly where they can shove it.

Protesters marched around the bear statue (yes, it exists) outside the Athletic Complex, encouraging the school to “bear down,” and voiced their displeasure toward the athletic department.

“Bears have been persecuted and hunted for their meat and fur for many years, and some are now endangered because of it,” PETA president and acclaimed bear whisperer Monica Jenkins said. “I guarantee that if bears could speak, they would be outraged at this. Animals should never be used for entertainment purposes.”

Meanwhile, Washington University Chancellor Max Wrongon, wearing a double-breasted suit made solely out of bear fur, staunchly supported Wash. U.’s mascot at a press conference today.

“I am beary disappointed with the actions of PETA and our students protesters today. Fur sure, we should all paws and take a look at the facts. Wash. U. has not had a live mascot at sporting events for many years,” Wrongon said. “Furthermore, the bear stands for the pillars of Washington University; it is strong, brave and courageous.”

Senior Jayne Wilson said that she and the protestors are threatening to boycott all Wash. U. sporting events if the mascot isn’t changed, even though they have never been to one in the first place. Furthermore, protestor and junior Maxwell Delonge believes that the offensive mascot has hurt attendance at Wash. U. games for quite a while.

“I think the fact that our mascot is so offensive is the reason why attendance for our sporting events has been so low,” he said. “We have Division III sports, and it doesn’t get any better than that, yet students still don’t show up for the games.”

However, not all protesters were invested in the animal rights issue, as some were confused when they heard that PETA was coming to Wash. U.

“When I heard that Peeta was coming to campus, I had to come because I love the Hunger Games,” desperate freshman Amanda Hugenkiss said. “So you’re saying this is a different Peeta?”

In light of the controversy, Washington University Athletic Director Sean Jael held a secret press conference at Fontbonne University, where he announced that he would retire two months earlier than planned, allowing new Athletic Director Kit Mao to take the reigns.

“It saddens me to say that I am retiring immediately, as the controversy has been unbearable for me and my family,” Jael said.

Jael left with parting words in support of Wash. U. keeping its mascot name.

“F— this s—. When I first got the job at Wash. U. I proposed bringing a caged bear to all of the games, and now they think the mascot is offensive? What should our mascot be? An eggplant?”

Mao could not be reached for comment.