It was a discovery that had professor Kurt Fields yelling, “To infinity and beyond!” Fields, of the Washington University Department of Mathematics, recently discovered a third type of infinite set.

Before, infinite sets came in two variations: countable and uncountable. Countable infinite sets have as many elements as the natural numbers, while uncountable sets have even more elements. All of the real numbers, for example, form an uncountable set.

Mathematicians had tried for years to construct a model of numbers that showed there were infinite sets even larger than the uncountable sets. The new infinity, labeled by Fields as “really mothereffing big,” will forever change math’s approach to set theory, numbers and the world.

“The consequences of this finding are potentially infinite,” opined Ludwig Frege, also of Washington University. “Of course, it remains to be seen if the set of those consequences are countable, uncountable or really mothereffing big.”

When asked about the inspiration behind what is already heralded as the breakthrough of the decade, Fields responded, “Well, it was pure logic. I looked at the online edition of the student paper one day and realized that two individuals wrote nearly all the comments. By translating the comments into an elementary C-star algebroid and associating with it a trivial poisson distribution, it becomes obvious that no vector space could ever contain it. No infinite group could ever describe it. The set is bigger than any uncountable set, so it’s a new type of infinity.”

In other words, Fields still has no idea what he’s doing. Fields’ discovery will require edits in nearly every math textbook in the country. For each edit, Fields receives $2.72; he is expected to earn nearly $1.618 billion for the discovery. When receiving the news of how insanely rich he was going to be, Fields exclaimed, “Suck it, Terry Tao! I’m gonna live in Hawaii!”

Fields will also donate $142,857 to the math department at the University, to be used in the construction of a large golden chalice in his name.

With additional reporting by a very jealous Andrew Wiles.