Bear Necessitis, a strip club in East St. Louis, has both girls and a breakfast buffet. It does not accept Bear Bucks.

This past weekend, I visited a homey little strip club in East St. Louis that promised to be a place where I could get a quality lap dance, enjoy the atmosphere, and generally just hang out before needing to get to class on Monday morning. DO NOT GO HERE.

This place is easily the worst club I’ve ever been to, hands down. The bouncer is kind of handsy, and that was the strongest feeling I got throughout the night. Absolutely no girls came over to dance with me, no matter how hard I tried. I made it rain ones, fives, tens, then twenties, and all they would do is come over, pick up the bills, and walk off without offering to give me a dance.

Not that I would have wanted a dance anyways. The girls were clearly unhappy in their positions, really not enjoying what they were doing. Is it too much to ask that my strippers appreciate the good work that they do? Most of them were getting on in years (mid-twenties), and their ages were clearly showing.

A majority also had some sort of physical proof of just how long they had been in the world. Most of the dancers had pretty obvious c-section scars, which is not something I want to think about when getting a lap dance. (That girl is someone’s mother!)

I don’t know if it was because it was an East St. Louis joint, but a few of the girls had gunshot scars as well, which were decidedly unattractive. I also don’t understand how the girls got these scars, because the security at the club was pretty tight, and they make you check your gun at the door. Which is bullshit, by the way. I didn’t appreciate it, but I feel that if they are going to run this tight a ship, they should make sure the girls are also up to par.

Speaking of ocean-going vessels, the breakfast buffet tasted as though it was a dish best served on the high seas in the 1790s. Not only was everything cold and soggy, but it also all tasted the same. I’m pretty sure some maggots used the dish as a swimming pool. The best thing I can say about it is that at the end of a long night of drinking, I would appreciate something to quiet my stomach. But for the strip club connoisseur, I say that you can definitely find better food options at pretty much any other club around the greater St. Louis area.

Finally, and certainly most egregiously, they didn’t take Bear Bucks! I know that the system hasn’t expanded to every place in the city, but you would think that Washington University would have the decency to know that some of its students like to spend our nights at gentlemen’s clubs, and would prefer the convenience of a campus card purchase.

Bare Necessities is entirely unwelcoming, full of ugly aging hags with physical issues, and the food was terrible. After getting kicked out because the place decided that they wouldn’t take campus card for drinks, I’d had absolutely enough. This place isn’t worth the time and effort. Go somewhere closer to home; it will be closer, safer and definitely way more fun.