Eark Mdwards, one of the most legendary coaches in the history of Division III basketball, has announced his retirement after 37 years as head coach of the Washington University men’s basketball team. The obvious choice to replace him would be another person with experience in Division III basketball. But there simply aren’t many—or any—coaches in the division that will be as good as Edwards was. So, why not go for something unconventional? Our suggestion: Fill the vacant coaching position with a professional basketball star. It’s a surefire way to build up excitement for the program, and these guys probably know at least a little about coaching. Here are our top candidates.

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Our basketball coach was screaming and pointing at a game because that’s what coaches do when they’re attending games. You should go to the games, too. You’ll be the only one there.

Matt Barnes

The esteemed Matt Barnes—as famous for driving over 100 miles just to punch Derek Fisher as he is for anything he ever did on a basketball court—only recently announced the end of his playing career, meaning he is free to coach the Bears. If we ignore the fact that he has never actually been the coach of a basketball team at any level, Barnes is more than qualified to be part of the Wash. U. community. For example, he has spent almost all of his life in California, which means he can bond with the student body by joining in their complaints about how St. Louis is different from Los Angeles. In addition, he was a bit of a journeyman, playing for 11 different teams in his 15-year career, two of which were minor league teams I only just learned of while researching his career for this article. This means he is familiar with a wide range of offensive and defensive schemes, giving him the ability to both pick the right system for the Bears and to analyze their opponents. He’s also a proven winner, in that he mostly sat on the bench while the Golden State Warriors won a title for him last year. Lastly, simply having him on the sidelines might be a huge asset for the Bears because other teams might not defend as hard. Let’s put it this way: I would think twice about fouling a Wash. U. player too hard if I thought Matt Barnes might come charging off the sidelines.

Corsley Edwards

There is no better fit for the Bears than former NBA forward and current NBA G-league assistant coach Corsley Edwards. He’s adjusted to the demands of the job, having changed teams 27 times in his career as a player. He’s ready to travel, and he’s adjusted to watching players go on to do bigger and better things after a couple years. He’s also got a champion pedigree, having been a top tier role player on KK Igokea when they won the Bosnian League in 2013. Statistically speaking, Edwards represents the best chance of Wash. U. to continue winning. Since the program’s inception, coaches with “Edwards” in their name are responsible for 100 percent of victories. The unproven record of non-Edwards coaches makes me highly skeptical of their ability to take the helm of such a great and established program.

Lonzo Ball

If you want to play high-level basketball focused on impeccable defense and high BBIQ plays, look no further, as Lonzo Ball is here to stay. With his solid shooting fundamentals and quick trigger, Ball would instill a high-pace offense that would be perfect for the new generation of basketball. Lonzo has already led a subpar Lakers team to an impressive number of wins, often single-handedly taking over playmaking duties. With this impressive resume, added on to the fact that he literally has the word “ball” in his name to attract more casual basketball fans, he would be a welcome addition to replace the legendary Mark Edwards. It would also take him off the Lakers and make them lose more, which is nice, too.

Lavar Ball

I see your Lonzo, and I raise you a Lavar. Lonzo is just a rookie this season, and he probably is not going to stop playing anytime soon. His father, on the other hand, is completely free other than whatever it is he is doing in Lithuania at the moment. Think about the potential benefits of Lavar Ball coming to Wash. U. Firstly, he is so loud that people would no longer be able to ignore sports on campus. Secondly, consider Lavar’s Big Baller Brand motto: “Never Lost.” The Bears, however, lost four times in the 2017-2018 season alone. If we believe Lavar, he can therefore promise a 100 percent reduction in the loss column next year. There may be some financial conflicts of interest considering he owns a shoe brand; so, the NCAA may get involved, but honestly, they’re probably so preoccupied with all the scandals in Division I basketball, they might not even notice if Lavar came to Division III. The only kind of coach I want is the kind of coach who allegedly could have outplayed Michael Jordan one-on-one.

Tyronn Lue

A month and a half ago, at the NBA trade deadline, LeBron James decided that he had enough with the direction of the team. He fixed that by trading away seven of the team’s players (basically the entire team), including star Isaiah Thomas. The Cavs have had an up and down season, especially recently with Tyronn Lue taking a step back from coaching during the past week and a half, citing health issues. At that point, without their coach, things were supposed to go downhill, but, instead, the Cavs have gone 4-0 since Lue has stopped coaching. LeBron proved with Thomas that he’s not a fan of letting things last. After watching the Cavs success, LeBron ultimately decides that it’s time for Tyronn Lue to be gone. Here’s the dream for Wash. U.: In a blockbuster deal, LeBron decides, just as he did in early February, that it’s time to trade the entire coaching staff, sending Lue specifically to the Wash. U. Bears for a heavily protected BD stir fry meal. Lue would fit perfectly with Wash. U. He’s great at sitting there and winning championships. He won back-to-back championships in 1999-2000 and 2000-2001, where he played in 46 total games. Years later, in 2014-2015, he watched LeBron win a championship. The Mexico, Mo. native makes the “Decision Part II” and takes out the front cover of the StudLife Thursday edition to declare, “I’m Coming Home.”

Bill Walton

Have you seen Bill Walton? Have you heard him talk? This is a complete no-brainer. As players for a Division III basketball program, the vast majority of athletes who suit up for the Bears will go on to careers outside of basketball. One of the goals of the team over the past 37 years has been to make sure that they are prepared for these off-the-court life experiences. Walton is qualified to coach basketball both in that he was one of the best NBA players of all time, and in that he has a myriad of life experiences with which to teach and advise young Wash. U. players. Imagine the team chemistry that will develop when instead of having practice on the first day of training camp, Walton has his team sit in an improvised sweat lodge built at center court while he regales them of his adventures on the streets of Marrakech. Bill Walton is exactly the kind of life coach that the Bears need. Plus, there are some competitive bonuses to having Walton take control of the program. Teams are used to watching opponents come out to exciting hip-hop and have traditional pep talks from their coaches. Imagine how thrown off the average Division III team will be when the Bears players take the court to a 15-minute Jerry Garcia live guitar solo from a Grateful Dead bootleg tape of a 1976 Berkley show while Bill Walton tells his charges to “chase the dragon.” I think it just might work.

Allen Iverson

The former Philadelphia 76ers star would be a fantastic influence on Division III athletes. Iverson stands just six feet tall even, 165 pounds, no physical marvel by any means. But A.I. transcended his size to become a superstar among superstars, building a Hall of Fame career on the backbone of skill and swag. He was the warrior for the little guy before Stephen Curry came along, single-handedly MVPing the Sixers to the NBA Finals. And then stepping over current Cleveland Cavaliers head coach Tyronn Lue in Game One—oh my, you know Iverson won’t back down from anybody. Iverson also had 1,983 career steals; Wash. U. has had a winning record every year except one. Plus, although he preceded the era, the Answer will carry with him that Philly “Trust the Process” philosophy. When the going gets tough for the Bears, Iverson will guide them in sticking it out, recruiting a few prodigies and winning a championship.

Draymond Green

The defensive minded, vocal and emotional leader of the Golden State Warriors would undoubtedly continue to build upon WashU’s winning history. Green is not afraid to speak his mind and challenge authority in order to help his team win. Often seen yelling at fellow superstars Kevin Durant, Steph Curry and Klay Thompson, Green would have no issues holding Division III players accountable for their play on the court. In addition, he also has a tendency to pick up technical fouls due to his passionate personality. This often inspires his teammates and improves their intensity on defense, something that the Bears would like to focus on this upcoming season. Green’s defensive pedigree and attitude would bring Wash. U. to the promised land.