PROPERTY DAMAGE—9:17 a.m.
Location: DARDICK HOUSE
Description: Student allegedly printed 7.23 million sheets of paper for complete Dungeons and Dragons manual.
Disposition: Reamed by police.

LARCENY—6:05 a.m.
Location: VERY PUBLIC PLACE
Description: Student’s laptop stolen when he left his one of a kind white MacBook unlocked and unattended in the DUC commons.
Disposition: Ostracized by everyone for being an idiot.

LARCENY—7:34 a.m.
Location: WHISPERS CAFÉ
Description: Employees questioned for not giving students free shit.
Disposition: Pending.

DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE—10:13 a.m.
Location: WASHINGTON AVE.
Description: Student tip-toed on the sidewalk and disrupted the neighborhood.
Disposition: Arrested and imprisoned without trial.