Mother Goose | Yellow Warning

After countless years and 18 NCAA Division III championships as the Washington University Bears, the University announced this week that it’s ditching the beast in favor for something less imposing and more applicable to the school—the DUCs.

“Our university has a very deep attachment to this city. It’s in our name,” said Athletic Director Hans Heimersteinbach, “and we looked around and there just weren’t any Bears here. Times are changing and the moniker just didn’t fit.”

Two of the three committee members reported having no recollection of why we were the Bears in the first place. The third began rambling about how the Wash. U. Bear would protect the school from the Soviets using Sputnik to tap into our brain and learn our darkest secrets.

The news release reported, “The DUC has got to be one of the most awkward sounding names for a campus building ever conceived and yet it stuck. We’re not sure why, but we’re proud of that so we wanted to honor it.”

The Bomb Squad was one of the first groups to support the change. Their spokesperson, Frank Lee Broak, said, “A four letter nickname gives us a lot of room to work with for cheers. You can bet we’re going to start a D-U-C-S DUCS! DUCS! DUCS! cheer.”

Broak added that, “to be perfectly honest, Bears is too ferocious for a D-III team. It feels kind of like calling a Prius a Burner or something like that.”

The Alumni Association, on the other hand was furious. Director of Alumni Relations Shirley Fedup exclaimed, “we’re getting calls from alumni all over the world asking us what on Earth does a DUC have to do with Wash. U.? Worse yet, they’re livid over the fact that we apparently can’t spell basic farm animals!” Asked about whether donations might go down she said, “you can bet on it. Don’t expect us to be naming any hidden alleyways or bike stands after rich alumni anymore.”

Students, many of whom didn’t know Wash U had a mascot, seemed indifferent. Said sophomore Wes Syde, “I don’t know. It seems like a good idea. Didn’t that Colbert guy say they were a threat to America? DUCs certainly seem safer.” He then proceeded to do a safety dance.