Holden Hindes | Student Life

Depictions of college are everywhere: books, movies, social media, stories that you hear from family and friends. While these media portrayals or personal anecdotes range from extreme ragers in countless college films to the college-roommate-turned-lifelong-best-friend as told by your grandma, they often hold similar sentiments. 

One is that college is the best time of your life, or that the friends you meet in college last a lifetime, or that college is where you find yourself. While true for many people, these messages can be daunting for college students, whether they are seniors who feel they still have no idea what they are doing with their lives, or first-years who feel like they are missing out on what college is supposed to be and are grasping for where to find it.

Last year, as a freshman, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was pushing myself to put myself out there, to talk to new people, to join new activities — yet that magic college feeling just wasn’t clicking.

Seven months ago, in a StudLife article, I described how my life at WashU had been thus far. “When I envisioned my first months of college, it wasn’t exactly like this,” I wrote. “Don’t get me wrong, I have friends at WashU who I really like. Yet, that doesn’t free me from the feeling that I haven’t found where I belong yet, and that my home is still 2,000 miles away, where most of my best friends remain.” 

Now, as I sit in my childhood bedroom where I am living for the summer, I still ache to be 2,000 miles away – this time wanting to be back at school with my friends, walking through the stone buildings that still look like a TV set but that now also bring me comfort. 

It’s true: freshman year can be really hard. With it comes the transition from being in high school and living with your family in the place you may have grown up in, to college, where you are adjusting to a new physical, social, and academic environment all at the same time. People react to and cope with these changes in different ways. 

The summer before starting at WashU, I was ecstatic to experience a new environment with new people. I had never had trouble with homesickness, yet when I actually arrived, I was riddled with loneliness for months. Perhaps you are hanging onto your current life as tightly as possible, awaiting college with apprehension. These feelings may last for a long time into your transition, or you may find it to be far easier than anticipated. 

I am not going to list tips for your freshman year that you could find on Buzzfeed or a “Things I Wish I Knew Before College” YouTube video — lists that have (albeit overdone) advice that you may want to listen to (it’s overdone for a reason). But, as a now-sophomore who wrote an article dedicated to feeling lonely and sad as a first-year, I will give my two cents about what helped me the most.

Despite the diversity of feelings when adjusting to college life, there is also common ground that nearly every first-year shares. Everyone is experiencing a significant change in their lives. Everyone wants to make friends. Everyone is missing at least one person. Everyone is unsure if, where, and when they will find belonging in this new chapter of their lives.

Throughout the transition to college, it is important to remember these commonalities — to help you feel less alone or as a topic of conversation to relate with others. As your fellow first-years are going through many of the same motions and emotions that you are, and the non-first years were in your position not long ago, allow yourself to go out of your comfort zone. Pushing yourself to do these things is crucial for finding your place, making friends, and growing comfortable in college. And, because so many others are also doing it or have done it, it can’t be that bad.

It may seem redundant to give you this advice after I felt dejected while taking these steps as a freshman. But, although possibly the most annoying and inconclusive thing I could possibly say, going through them is a process that doesn’t immediately bring you to where you want to be. The timeline, emotions, and experiences during the transition to college are different for everyone, and are painstakingly unknown yet inevitable parts of it.

Arguably, meeting new people and making friends is the most important aspect of transitioning to your life in college. Yet, it is easier said than done. As many people will tell you, the group you sit with for your first week — or even first month — of college may not contain your more permanent best friends. Most of the people I sat with at the time, I have not spoken to since. However, these awkward conversations are necessary for finding the people who last. 

I’m sorry to say it, as a small-talk hater myself, but the monotonous conversation starters — like “Where are you from?” and “What’s your major?”— are inevitable (and aren’t limited to your first year of college, but perhaps your entire life). As you go through the same motions in these mildly to totally awkward discussions, some will turn from small talk to big talk (if that’s even a phrase).

While it is important to go out of your way to have these conversations with people you meet at orientation events, in classes, or in floor meetings, I also urge you to invite those whose small talk went even minimally better to do something with you. You may luck out and get invited to something before you get the chance, but when everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move, you could be the person to bring this relief to one person or multiple people.

For me, this conversation was with Parker. At our first-floor meeting, I ended up in the same discussion group as Parker because both of us said our favorite color was brown. It was because of this color and the fact that she was from Seattle, where my sister went to college, that I decided to invite her over to my room the day after. With these groundbreaking facts about her on hand, our conversation was awkward and mildly uncomfortable. As Parker described to me just recently, “I didn’t know you very well, and I had no clue if we were gonna be friends, but the fact that someone even wanted to try to get to know me felt huge. It made finding friends essentially from scratch seem a little less daunting.”

The mutual relief we both felt to find someone we genuinely liked and had some (even surface-level) things in common with inspired us to invite a girl named Grace to hang out with us the night after. It was because she had cool bangs (on my part) and because she “looked really cool” and was friendly (on Parker’s) that we invited her to hang out before an optional orientation event called the Silent Disco. 

At the Silent Disco, where about a hundred first-years wore headphones and listened to music while dancing with people they just met, we met Talia and Sophie, who introduced us to Abby when we had our first dinner together shortly after. At the time, I had no idea this random pack of people would turn into nightly common room hangouts and dinners. Truthfully, it took a long time to feel completely comfortable and stop comparing them to my friends at home. However, it was the initial step of extending an invitation that brought us all together. Making friends in college is often like this — going from one connection to another through mutuals of mutual friends — even if it doesn’t feel like the perfect puzzle piece fitting into your life at first.

That being said, many of the people you’ll hang out with won’t be your best friends, and it is okay to have nights and meals alone sometimes or to not go to every activity. I promise, there is no need for FOMO when it comes to a random school-sanctioned event or a non-sanctioned frat party. Despite what some people say, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone does not mean you must say yes to everything. Sometimes, you need a break.

Continuing on this journey out of your comfort zone, you should also join activities, even those that you have never tried before. Don’t get me wrong — I was terrified to go to club meetings. After being in the newspaper of my high school for three years, I waited until October to go to my first Student Life meeting, where I pitched an article about being a lonely freshman in front of a group of non-freshman strangers. After attending, there were no magical rainbows or confetti, and I had to force myself to continue to attend despite my discomfort. Yet, as I continued to write for the newspaper, I started to feel that I had a purpose on campus. 

Some activities may not work out. After being a debater in high school, I decided I wanted to do something different but similar in college, so I tried out for Mock Trial. At tryouts, I had to testify as a made-up character in front of a panel of deadpan upperclassmen. It was absolutely horrifying, but I felt like I did pretty well. Parker and I got rejected that night while sitting on a fraternity house sofa (a location I increasingly avoided in the months following).

In my original StudLife article, I wrote: “The myth that college is the best time of your life — and that the first few months are when you meet the friends you’ll stay in touch with for the rest of your life — has coded us to feel isolated in our experiences. We keep from sharing our emotions for fear of sounding pathetic (as I feared when beginning this article) or reinforcing our feeling of loneliness.” After going through my entire year, I believe this fact stands true.

When beginning college, it’s okay if you end up feeling lonely or homesick or discouraged; most people do for at least a small period of time. But while feeling these emotions, I encourage you to talk to the people around you about them. In doing this, you are both doing something for yourself, as you find people to relate to, and doing something for someone else, who may have needed the discussion as much as you did.

It is also okay to call your family or friends from home. The support system you miss still exists as you add more people to it throughout your first year and beyond. This summer, when I’ve felt sad and lonely, alone in my room instead of hanging out with home friends or my parents, I’ve FaceTimed my college friends.

Or perhaps you want to be alone and listen to sad music, watch a comfort show, or stare at the ceiling of your dorm room. I did a lot of that (I made a playlist called “Midwest Depression”) — that’s okay, too.

The first year of college is different for everyone, but the contents of this article can still apply to anyone. If you’re thriving, go out of your way to invite someone new to hang out with you and your friends, or join an activity in addition to the one you already feel comfortable in. The fun thing about your first year of college is that it is one of the only chances in your life to try and do completely different things alongside completely different people. It is because of this that freshman year can be really hard, but also extremely exciting.