On Friday, I went on a casual quest to rank the Jamba Juice smoothie options. Jamba Juice, which has assimilated into Café Bergson in the DUC, has eight smoothie flavors (three dairy free, five with dairy), and I would be sampling all of them. Little did I know the generous DUC employees would be giving me eight full-size smoothies.

I suddenly realized this was turning out to be a juice cleanse.

Zach Kobrin | Student Life

Here are all the smoothie samples. #JuiceCleanse

There was much suffering involved, but here is the definitive ranking of Jamba Juice smoothies.

8. Orange Blast

Calories: 190

Orange Blast, more like Orange Bleh. Orange Blast, more like Orange Blast of Tartness. Orange Blast, more like Orange You Glad I’m Warning You About This Flavor. You get the point – this smoothie was not very good. It was wayyyyy too tart and really didn’t taste like oranges. I cringed in public, but my cries for help were diminished by Fox News playing on the flat-screen.

7. Strawberry Whirl

Calories: 220

This smoothie is a 10! On the pH scale – basic. It was one-dimensional, but it was still better than Orange Blast because it didn’t cause me to regret every life decision I ever made. This is a good smoothie for people that don’t like to drink smoothies!

6. Orange-a-peel

Calories: 280

There is some appeal to this smoothie – it is certainly better than its ugly cousin Orange Blast. This smoothie is not nearly as potent and tastes like oranges and bananas, but more like bananas, which is ironic, because it’s an orange smoothie.

5. Mega Mango

Calories: 310

This was a pleasant smoothie. It was sweet, but not overpowering. I admit that I did not know what mango was supposed to taste like. After frantically attacking the nearest pedestrian and interrogating her, I discovered that this smoothie did indeed taste like mango.

4. Caribbean Passion

Calories: 280

This is a smoothie you could be passionate about. It’s got some multidimensional flavor profiles going on. It’s a real fruity smoothie that doesn’t suffocate you and makes you feel like you are at a simulated tropical oasis at that one Caribbean-themed resort in the middle of Wisconsin.

3. Mango-a-go-go

Calories: 310

Give this smoothie a go! It has a really light sweetness and the texture of the smoothie is finally smooth. “It tastes like mango!” – rando at the café.

2. Strawberries Wild

Calories: 280

The quintessential smoothie. It is a perfect blend of everything a smoothie should be. There is a hint of apple, which adds a little magic to the mix. This is the type of smoothie you take home to your parents. A class act, but I’m still curious as to what makes it so “wild.”

1. Razzmatazz

Calories: Calories: 300

All hail this smoothie. Its tart sweetness is what sets it apart from other smoothies. It is two things at once. It is contradictory. It is edgy. It is youth. It has great consistency and a pleasant aftertaste. This one really razzle dazzles.

There you have it. I learned a lot about smoothies that Friday afternoon. More importantly, I learned what mangos are supposed to taste like.

Here is me #faded in a minefield of orange straws after my #JuiceCleanse.

Zach Kobrin | Student Life

Too much juice.