This past weekend, Joe Biden and Donald Trump visited St. Louis to attend a LaunchCode event and Phyllis Schlafly’s funeral, respectively. The city was in typical “hey-we-have-the-vice-president-and-the-Republican-presidential-candidate-coming-in-and-we-have-to-make-sure-they-don’t-die” mode. The intense security measures put into place were great because they were effective (no one’s dead, except Phyllis Schlafly!), but also hindered the average person’s ability to get around the city. It was so intense that babies all over St. Louis cried. They were likely going to cry anyway, because they’re literal babies, but still. If that’s how wild St. Louis got for a measly couple of hours hosting Biden and Trump, just imagine what the security is going to be like around campus during the presidential debate on Oct. 9.

It’s the debate! Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are going to be there! A select number of lottery-blessed students will be there! Most of us will not be able to go to this debate (though, we heard if you ask nicely enough, you can go to the presidential debate pregame—just don’t bring your freshman floor). Since it’s going to be insanely difficult to navigate around campus, we suggest you just stay inside. Here is a step-by-step guide to surviving the madness of the debate-pocalypse.

1. Stock up on food.

You don’t know how long you’ll be stuck inside, so prepare for the worst. Get frozen food. Frozen food is science’s biggest contribution to society because it will last forever. Also, get lots of bread. You can put most things on bread. If you put three pieces of bread together, you can make a bread sandwich. Maybe, if you have enough bread, you can cover yourself in bread and turn into a PERSON SANDWICH! HA! Oh man, we’re going to have fun here.

2. Barricade yourself.

Ah, time for the actual barricading. This one’s pretty simple. Start with locking your door(s). Make sure you are inside before you lock the door, otherwise the whole thing will be ruined. Once this is complete, move a chair in front of the door. Technically, someone could still kick open your door even if there’s a chair blocking the way, but it’s mostly for symbolic effect. Finally, tape the sides of the door for good measure. That’ll do it.

3. Burn all your homework for warmth.

You’ve successfully barricaded yourself inside! How will you survive in the chilly autumn? By making yourself a nice, toasty fire with your textbooks. It doesn’t matter that your heat still works fine—be a little rustic for once! I think millennials have really missed out on creating fires. Social media has just taken away all the joy of going outside, am I right? Who says we need to be the “narcissistic participation trophy” generation? Let’s make all those grumpy baby boomers proud!

4.
Figure out how to address the small fire in your room without having your resident adviser find out.

Aw, crap.

5. Listen to Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” on Spotify.

Listen—screw the fire. Just ignore it while you play Nelly’s hit 2002 single “Hot in Herre” so he can get that click revenue. He’s in hot water with the IRS right now, and we need to be there for him. Make things more fun by singing along: “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes, because Nelly needs your clothes, because he’s financially screwed, do your part and save Nelly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

6. Take a shower.

Not specific to the debate-pocalypse, but you should be doing this one anyway.

By this point, the debate will probably be over, and things will be back to normal. If not, don’t worry—not going outside ever again is probably one of the best situations we can ask for. Happy hibernating!