In our last issue, we highlighted an OkCupid analysis that ranked users from Washington University highest in confidence and dating message quality. We at Student Life are pleased that the sexual prowess of our fellow Wash. U. students is finally being recognized—it’s about time. Unfortunately, the analysis was rather limited and failed to fully encapsulate the benefits of dating a Wash. U. student. Allow us to offer you a more persuasive narrative.

Date a Wash. U. student. Date a student who skims the Wikipedia entry and dominates the class discussion anyway. Date a student who has a list of social causes they actively support by tinting their profile picture various colors of the rainbow. Date a student who spends their (or their parents’) money on exorbitant tuition and housing instead of (OK, in addition to) clothes, who has problems with closet space because they have too many overpriced textbooks.

Find the one at Whispers complaining about the WILD artist even though they ugly-cried listening to Icona Pop. Sit down. They might give you a glare as most students who are pretending to do work don’t like to be interrupted. Ask them what they’re studying (even though you already know the answer is something pre-med).

Offer to buy them another chai latte and acquiesce when they decline, citing their 400 extra meal points.

Let them know what you really think of Peabody. Then quickly shut up because your opinion is definitely wrong, and they will definitely tell you. Ask them if they love Bernie or if they would like to be Bernie.

It’s easy to date a Wash. U. student. Lend them your wristband for Bear’s Den brunch. Give them the gift of a MetroLink pass they’ll never use to go anywhere besides the Central West End, Target and the Galleria—or better yet, offer to unsubscribe them from the email lists of every group they signed up for at the activities fair.

Understand that they know the difference between college and the real world but by god, they’re going to try to pretend they’re real adults as long as it isn’t inconvenient.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or, more likely, next to one, at Balloon Glow, and you’ll have to repeat your proposal because your first attempt will be drowned out by a bullhorn and screaming children. Or very casually outside at Graham Chapel, even though they’re probably Jewish.

Date a Wash. U. student because you deserve it and they definitely deserve more, but you’ll do. You deserve a student who writes at a seventh-grade reading level and can sort of tell you how cellular respiration works. If you only want a student who writes at a sixth-grade reading level and went to another school because Wash. U. sucks at Pell Grants and financial aid, you’re honestly better off alone. If you want the best of the Midwest, date a Wash. U. student.

Or better yet, date a student who writes (for Student Life).