Sotak’s GirlfriendDear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
The dorms at Wash. U. are, as the Yale Insider’s Guide to the Colleges puts it, notorious for “being more hotel-like than a college dorm should be.” In fact, it should come as no surprise that Wash. U. boasts some of the nicest, most elegant dorms that any university has ever seen.
New Koenig is an excellent example of this. As the newest dorm on the South 40, Koenig offers everything a college freshman could want. The administration, however, feels differently, as it has just been uncovered that new Koenig is scheduled to be torn down and renovated within the year. New dorms such as Forsyth and Lien are soon to follow, with plans to tear them down and renovate them within the next few years.
With the University already beginning to renovate all of the old freshmen dorms, one may wonder why these brand new dorms are also going to be revamped. Turns out, the new dorms are not part of the new housing code that the administration has recently adopted. In fact, the “new” Liggett is actually now considered to be old and outdated. And with the construction of the new Liggett nearing an end, many questions surrounding this new dorm have arisen. What do the lucky future residents of the new Liggett and other new dorms have in store?
As times have changed, so have living standards for today’s college student. Wanting to uphold its status as a university that offers “hotel-like dorms,” the new dorms planned may, in fact, be nicer than a regular hotel. You thought carpeted floors and private bathrooms were nice? Try rooms twice the size of a current modern room. With bigger rooms, bigger beds will be ordered, which is definitely a good thing for a number of reasons. Out with those old, uncomfortable wooden rocking chairs. Now each room will come equipped with a comfortable, cushioned chair and bigger desk for each roommate. Furthermore, many students complain about their rooms being dark, with too little light. This will no longer be a problem, as chandeliers will be installed in each room.
Another vital feature of this new housing code deals with maid service. Currently, each room comes with maid service twice a week. The average college student is not, by any means, clean. In fact, I can usually tell which friend’s room I am in by the smell of the room, which is not always a good thing. Spills and other messes on the floor resulting from a crazy night of partying don’t help the situation either. Realizing this, the administration has decided to provide students with daily maid service. Funky odors? Beer spills and other gross spots on the floor? Worry no more, as dirty rooms will no longer be an issue. At the end of the day, students will return to their dorms to find their beds newly made, with a chocolate on the pillow; turndown service is sure to be a hit.
Food is an integral part of a college student’s life. Many times, students are pressed for time and need a quick bite to eat before their next class. Inconveniently, in order to grab a quick bite to eat, one must travel to Wohl Center. Eating should not have to be an action that requires much effort, and for that reason, for each dorm built, a first-rate, 24-hour dining hall will be located on the first floor, smoothly operated by first-rate chefs to be flown in from around the country. Good food will now be available any minute of the day, so those who are pressed for time will always be able to grab a bite to eat in the comfort of their own dorm. Also, students not wishing to leave their rooms due to laziness or illness will be happy to know that room service will also be available.
Personal comfort should also be taken very seriously and realizing this, the University has decided to take every possible measure to ensure the comfort of its students. In each new dorm, students can look forward to a spa. After all, Wash. U. students work extremely hard, and during those stressful times students can unwind in the spa, which will feature free massages, sauna rooms and other luxurious amenities. A marble swimming pool will also be built in each dorm, along with two hot tubs, so students looking to refresh and rejuvenate can look forward to these new additions.
As the old saying goes, out with the old, in with the new. The adoption of this new housing code will lead to extravagant new dorms, which are sure to be a big hit. Undoubtedly, these new dorms will serve as a model for how dorms at the nation’s most prestigious universities should be constructed in the future.